Summer Days Ending

I seriously thought I wouldn't be sad to see these stifling hot summer days be done with. Every time we've stepped out of the house, we've rushed to the car to sweat as little as possible on the 2 minute trip from door to door, and cranked the AC to the max as soon we settled in. But, as soon as we said goodbye to our pool last weekend, I realized that hot hot summer days are still amazing. Hot hot summer days mean more family time for us, more traveling, being a little more tired from the travels and heat, more grilling, and more outdoor time. Summer is as much the end of the year as December 31st is in a way. School starts, school buses come and go in flocks, rush hour is a little more stressful, and kids go back to living for the weekend (at least I did when I was young)! Sunsets come a little quicker and you start to give in to warm comfort foods just a little easier since you don't have to wear that bathing suit tomorrow...or is that just me?

We've had such a great summer. As soon as it began, I knew it'd fly by. We started off with our big move from Baltimore to Charlotte, and then 3 months later, moved into our dream home that still has several projects to do! We also suffered a miscarriage that rocked our world for a few months, and when I still dwell on that day when I knew we lost her, tears still come to my eyes. But, God is good. He is sovereign in all His ways and plans.

There have been so many reminders of God's graciousness this summer. I'll be the first to admit that, at first, I thought it may have been a mistake that we moved.  I didn't like our apartment, because my allergies were on fire in that place; we had a miscarriage; Kevin struggled in his job at first; and no one was buying our home in Baltimore! But, remember that quote that goes something like, "don't look at your circumstances..." There are a lot of variations of it, but the gist is: Don't focus on your circumstances, because circumstances ALWAYS change. They are variables in life that we have to take in stride. Sometimes (okay...most of the time) I'm not good at that. I'm great at taking it in stride when the variables are always in my favor, but when it starts going downhill, my circumstances tend to take the limelight in my life over my faith and all the blessings.

But, I've come to learn that even if my circumstance don't change for a long time or don't end up like "my perfect plan," He is and always will be forever good. I'm trying to learn to start each day with a grateful heart. Count my blessings at the beginning and the end of each day.  I am so much a work in progress, but I always will be! That's the joyous news! God uses us when we're broken and learning and not perfect. He wants our struggles to intertwine with our neighbor's struggles and stories so that we can see the bigger picture of God's grace. Isn't that so cool?! No, I don't want to struggle. No, I don't want to hurt or be hurt. But, I do want to see God's kingdom grow, expand, and reach people who are deemed "unreachable." 

Pastor John Gray came to speak at our church today, and wow! I was blown away by his words. He spoke of how David was anointed as king when he was still dirty shepherd boy, but that's exactly how God wanted him. He was the last one chosen from his brothers. He was the unexpected answer. And I'm in a time of my life where I feel that big things are going to happen. We've been in a weird place (and also great places) since coming to Charlotte where we need to just listen and follow God's direction He's planned for us even when we feel unusable or out of touch with Him. We've been wanting to go, go, go, and fix, and get new things, and meet new people, but very few times have I intentionally sat down to listen to God's plan for us now that we're back in the Bible Belt. 

And it's time for me to listen. To be quiet. Turn off my rambling, spaghetti, woman brain, and rest in His promises or I'll always feel lost. I challenge you to do the same thing! Fall is upon us, and it opens up a new chapter for this year. Let the cool breeze be a gentle reminder that God can change you as well as the season. He can use you where ever you are in your walk with Him. Be proactive in your faith ( I know I need to be)! Maybe set "Fall and Winter 2016 Resolutions." The year isn't over! Take time to sit down, listen to Him, invest in His word, and I promise you'll reap the benefits. He's waiting for you and me to do this.

Crushing Idols

I know that every single parent out there will say the exact same thing and I've heard it 1,000 times, but pregnancy really does go by in the blink of an eye! I'll be 30 weeks tomorrow and I'm not sure where the past 30 weeks have gone. I just had my midwife appointment today and I was measuring 31 weeks. Little Peanut still has a strong heartbeat and she must have some long legs too!

I'm learning new things about her and what it means to nurture someone else whose life is dependent on mine daily. I guess the few years that we wanted to get pregnant and couldn't, I envied every pregnant belly that I crossed paths with and wondered when it'd be my time and why it couldn't be this very moment! Now, I know that it was because God wanted me to care for the little gal that's growing inside of me right now. And no matter the pain (ahem...the excruciating rib pain), I'll already do anything for her or say no to things I may have once said "yes" to, because her well-being is my number one priority.

And in the midst of caring for this little Peanut everyday and having her on my mind every second, I realize that it's not the big picture. The big picture is still Jesus. It's not that my journey in the valley is over and I'm free from pain and suffering (hellllo labor pains...just kidding...well, partly). The point is that this miracle should be pointing me more and more towards my Creator and some days, regardless of seeing the miracle, I forget that this child is about Him. It's to show me His love, His mercy, His grace, His unfathomable care for me as His child.

I, as a mother-to-be, should imitate His unconditional love for this child He's knitting together in my womb. Of course I'll make mistakes and embarrass the heck out of her at times, but I need my eyes on the bigger picture and not just the miracle. The miracle is ... well... a miracle and an amazing one at that! But, if I take my eyes off of Him and just focus on this miracle, the miracle will become my idol. An idol is something I definitely do not want to show my daughter. I've made too many in my life! She'll make mistakes and make her own, but I need her to see that Jesus is the only one who is precious and worthy enough to be made our idol. My prayer is that my idols fall like the leaves off the trees. Let them wither and be crushed under my foot. This isn't a time I need to be letting idols of everything baby and parenting into my life. It's a time when I need to surrender and call out to God on a daily basis for His help and wisdom.

In 10 weeks, one of my biggest challenges (dare I say the biggest) will enter my life and I need to be on a solid foundation. For myself. For my husband. For our marriage. For our daughter.

                                                                             

And a few pictures to update you guys on this little gal's progress!

Equipping and Scattering

There are two things that have truly allowed me to look past my circumstances that I'm going through right now and hold on to any sense of hope right now. One is our little puppy Zoe. I know I sound like a crazy cat lady, but it's amazing what an animal can do for your life. It's a little ball of therapy every time she comes to lay on my lap on her back just wanting to be cuddled and have her tummy scratched. She just needs to be touching you. Just your toe. (She's a lot like my husband in that way. It's made me be more receptive to his love language.)

The other is having deep, meaningful conversations with friends that will ask me challenging questions and help me with the challenging questions that I bring to the table. I got together with two of my best friends this past weekend. We see each other about once a month. There's so much laughter, great food, honesty, and good girl time that none of us ever get.

We don't have to put on a front with each other. There's no "trying to out-do" the other with our fashion sense or casserole dishes or home decorations. We really have developed the "come as you are" friendship. I hope everyone has this type of person in their life - whether it be one person or twenty. We've realized that we need to be intentional with our friendship, because we all live 30-45 minutes away from each other (depending on traffic in the DC/Baltimore area), so we can't just go over to each other's homes after a bad day at work. This week we talked about friendships and how we need women in our lives that are godly and able to steer us back on track when things get tough.

One of the girls told us that even her husband tells her that she's a better wife when she gets her girl time in! And it's so true. We've all heard it - our husbands cannot be our girlfriends. They absolutely cannot! And I don't think I realized that until all of my girlfriends lived too far away and all I had was my husband to talk with. I'd become emotional and upset, because he didn't understand where I was coming from and I was looking for a totally different response from him than what he gave me. This was the reality of the first 6-8 months of our marriage. Tough lessons to learn. A lot of blowing up, being angry for no reason, and just a general bad undertone hanging around in our marriage. Not that it was all bad. There were amazing parts! But, when I learned I needed my girlfriends, girls nights, and time to just talk with them, life became a little different. Kevin and I grew closer and so did God and I. It's funny how that happened.

And I'm scared now. Within the next year to year and a half, we might all be separated. They both talked about moving to two completely different parts of the country, because of their husbands' jobs, and I'll be here. I'm afraid of being lonely again. I'm afraid of not having meaningful relationships outside of mine and Kevin's. I'm afraid I'll have to start over. That's the hardest part - saying goodbye and starting fresh. But I know that whatever happens, God already knew it would come. He graciously gave me these ladies in a time of hopelessness and despair. He gives and takes away. I'm aware. I'm trusting and having faith that His plan is perfect for these women, their marriages, and myself. I'm trusting that all three of us were placed in this area at the same time for a specific reason. He's gearing us up for something bigger and better than we could ever imagine. I don't know if I'll ever fully be ready, but I know I'm going to do what He wants me to do. I know that the courage and bravery for Christ that each of us has gained from one another will help us when He scatters us.

In our new towns one day, we'll have new friendships. We'll have to start over. But I know we'll have good meals, lots of laughter, God-encouraging talks, and great girl time. I'll never quite be ready for these two precious ladies to leave my side, but I know they're equipped to do God's will where He's taking them. And so am I.

Anxious Thoughts

"I cried out, 'I am slipping!' but your unfailing love, O LORD, supported me. When doubts filled my mind your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer." Psalm 94: 18-19

This past year my body has been racked with anxiety. It's not a feeling you can really put into words. It's such an out of body experience. You tell your body to stop aching and worrying and spinning out of control, but there is nothing you can do about it in the moment. Your heart just races and your mind knows nothing else. Somehow, you have to ground yourself.

One night while laying in bed with my husband, trying to fall to sleep as fast as possible, because I have to wake up so early to go to work, my anxious thoughts started creeping in my head. I tried to push them out. "Breathe,' I told myself. Keep breathing. Take deeper breaths." It wasn't working. One tear after another started slipping down each cheek. I held my deep sobs that would soon be following. I didn't want my husband to know what was happening. My body stiffened. He reached out and touched me, because he could feel my body start to throb. Then the tear gates fell wide open, my body spun out of control, and my heart felt like it was going to rip my chest wide open rib by rib. I had never felt this much moisture sliding down my cheeks. I had never known what it felt like for the thing that gives you life feel like it was actually about to be taken away. 

I'm not sure how I calmed down and came back to reality exactly on that night. My husband probably started trying to speak Truth to me, because somehow I heard His voice saying, "This is not the life I planned for you, but I am here for You! Turn back. Meditate on my Truths I have told you all of your life. I am your Hope. I am your Stability. I am you Shelter. I bare your burdens. don't believe the lies and let them seep into the very life of you."

Oh how I believed those lies. My anxious thoughts were consuming me, which just made it worse, but I never turned to the LORD. I knew I was supposed to, but how could He comfort me? Words in a Book didn't help. People telling me that God had a plan for me because of my fears and failures didn't help. And that quote, "if God brings you to it, God will get you through it" definitely didn't help. I felt alone and misplaced. I felt dirty and ashamed, because "I'm an adult." I shouldn't be having problems like this. But I was having problems. 

I still am facing the same problems that gave me my anxiety attacks. Now, I'm actually resting in God's Word on a daily basis, though. I'm putting forth effort to get to know my Saviour even more so now than ever before.  He has helped me numerous times when I begin to slip. And just when I think I don't need His help or He can't do anything is when I realize just how badly I need Him. So many times last year I thought I was crying out for His help and His hope that He promises us, but I was really just asking for an out. I was pretending I had done my duty of a Christian, by "praying" but going back to the filth just after. 

I urge you to earnestly and humbly seek out Christ in your mess. Not just read a Bible verse for the day and say, "Okay, this should help. Why is it not working? He can't help!" Because that is just filling your head with one more lie than it needs. He promises to help his children.

If you read just four verses up it reads, "The LORD will not reject his people; he will not abandon his special possession." Psalm 94:14

This is one of my favorite verses. He WON'T abandon you. He will not give up on trying to protect you from the enemy. You are His special possession. That's not to be taken lightly, so please don't take Him lightly. He loves you and me and doesn't want the world to eat us alive.