Our Stories...

God is good. I could say just those three words and this post would be wrapped up, but I really want you to know why He is so incredibly good. As you know, Kevin and I have dealt with infertility issues. It's a heart wrenching experience to go through and wouldn't wish it on anyone else. Here's the "funny" thing, though...other people do deal with this. Close friends deal with this. And I've been blessed to know people who have had children through years of going through miscarriages, infertility treatments, unexplained infertility, and so much more. They have miracle stories that are even more powerful than mine.

When Kevin and I were experiencing our lowest points through this journey, other women's stories helped me more than anything. I loved to read their stories of how their little nugget of gold finally did come! God was waiting, so His glory would be shown even more so than if that child came right away. (I'm not saying that if you do get pregnant right away that it's not just as much of a miracle. There are just different ways for God to show His glory and different scripts to write for His kingdom to grow).

Photos by Fatima

I want to introduce my friend, Leah at "Journey With Gabe." I would tell you all of her story, but she's already done a great job of that on her own blog. Please, please read her latest post on her little boy. Her miracle. Her little gold nugget. I cried (which doesn't take much) tears of pain and joy while reading it and just want to scoop her little boy up in my arms and hug him.

Zeke's Heart

It's another story that shows who our true Redeemer is and who we need to trust and keep trusting every second of every day. This story should give hope to those struggling with infertility and to mothers holding their children in their arms to celebrate life! Celebrate through the truly tough and trying times, whether that be looking at yet another negative pregnancy test or a bad medical report from your little one's pediatrician. 

I hope you enjoyed her story as much as I did.

If...Then...?

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. 2 We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. 3 Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people;then you won’t become weary and give up. 4 After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin." Hebrews 12:1-3

Ponytails, yoga pants, and cups of coffee in hand. We were ready to hear from the LORD and triumph over this thing called life. Our souls aching and doubts lingering from years of seemingly unanswered prayer. We all knew there was only One Hope and Escape from all of this, but none of us seemed to be experiencing the freedom that His tattered body brought us years ago when He was nailed to the cross. It's difficult to understand everything about your Saviour when you've never seen Him. It's tremendously difficult to believe everything He says when you're all alone. There was so much unknown hurt and fear sitting in my friend's two-bedroom apartment this weekend when the three of us watched a conference from Austin, Texas called the IF Gathering. #IFGathering

The whole basis for this conference was "If Jesus is real, then what?" If Jesus isn't just some fairytale, crazy story, or super humanitarian, then what? It reminded me of Nicole Nordeman's song, "What if." It seemed to fit the theme of the conference.

What if you're right?
And he was just another nice guy
What if you're right?
What if it's true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it's true?

But what if you're wrong?
What if there's more?
What if there's hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He's more than enough?
What if it's love?

We heard from so many amazing speakers with wisdom beyond my years, but I'm not here to spotlight these women, because I know that's not what they would want me to write about. God's kingdom has grown so much bigger because of the work these women have done. The hungry are actually fed, the orphans are being taken in and shown love, women in sex trafficking are being shown that they are not a number, and they are worth far more than anyone on earth could ever pay their pimps. When I start to think about these absurdities and disgusting circumstances all over our world and right under our noses, I start to tremble. Why? I start to tremble, because I'm really not doing anything about it at all! At all! I'm not lifting one finger for God's kingdom. He tells us to feed the hungry. He brought me to a city where sometimes (if I'm being honest) I still kick and cry about living in, but it's a city with hundreds of hungry people holding little cardboard signs. I try to ignore every person, though, because God surely doesn't expect me to actually feed every single person in Baltimore. But why not?? If God is real, why can't this happen?! It only starts with one thing, right?

I am so furious with myself for living in my little box of hurt and not looking at the world of hurt around me. I think that I can't take care of others, because I'm having a hard time healing my wounds right now, but what if this is exactly what my soul is longing for? Is this what Jesus talks about in His Book? Is this how my soul will find rest this side of eternity? Is this the peace that Paul and other Biblical authors and modern day missionaries have found?

Baltimore isn't a city for the faint of heart. People question my husband and I on a daily basis of why we moved to Baltimore. My answer is because we could afford a house here. It's cheaper to live in Baltimore than the other counties around us. But what if that's not the reason. What if there's more than just a simple numbers game happening here? What if God strategically placed us here? Is that such a crazy thought? He placed us here in a city of hungry people, crying babies, single moms, drug dealing, crime infested streets, and very few Christian circles. I've been longing to move back to the south. Back to my safety. Back to the streets that don't have  a person with a cardboard message on every corner. Back to the streets without much traffic, low crime, more "love," and more churches.

We joke about first world problems so often. The jokes are funny. They really are. One that happened recently - my husband ate off of one plate and placed his plate along with his fork in the sink. He still had a bowl of bananas to finish, but went to the silverware drawer for another fork. I questioned him, "why are you getting another fork? You just had one." His answer, "Well...it's wet now." We laughed about it and summed that up as a first world problem. Because if that is our problem, we surely have too much. We are worried about a wet fork, and hundreds of Baltimorian residents are worried about where to sleep tonight. Is it going to dip below freezing? Am I going to get hypothermia? It's been such a cold winter that the homeless have been battling frost bite. They have had to have their fingers or toes amputated, because they didn't have anything or anywhere warm enough to stay. I think about the cold and I grab one of my 10 sweatshirts and the warmest blanket I have. Why have I not been concerned about people sleeping on the streets? It makes me sick to think about how wretched I have been. I haven't lifted a finger. I try not to even look at them while driving past them in my warm car. I have been dehumanizing these lovely people with cardboard words.

What if I began to help the hurting? What if we all began to help the hurting for Jesus' namesake? Then what would Baltimore or your city or a third world country look like? One of the women at the IF Gathering said that a burden is born from the intersection of hope and despair. What is your burden? What do you passionately care about? Who do you want to help? What makes you sick to your stomach? What causes you to stay up at night? This conference was exclusive to women, but I challenge men to think about this as well. Break free from your circle of comfort. It will be scary. I know it will be, because I'm scared just thinking about where this journey may take me and what will be asked of me to sacrifice. I'm scared of not knowing and not seeing a plan, because I like plans!

Pray. Be specific in your prayers. Become more in tune with hearing God's voice as inaudible as it may be to you. Find a group of Christians that can help you along in the race and ask hard questions; not just sit and giggle with you over coffee at brunch every week; not just study the Word with you; but actually act on what Jesus commands us to do. Go feed. Go comfort. Go clothe. Go love. Go hold. Go cry. Go listen. There are too many needs to stay seated in your oversized chair under your monogrammed blanket.

What if you took one step? Then what?

Choosing the Maker's Life for Myself

"Never say never." That's what we're told, right? Growing up your parents always say that when you tell them, "I'm never going to be as mean as you and ground my kids!" Or something to the like. Well, I never thought I'd have a problem having children. I didn't really even know what that was until we started trying to have little one of our own.

I thought I could have the world on my time. It's my life so my rules, right? Absolutely wrong! The hard part for me is that I didn't even put off having children until I was 35 like so many women these days. Instead, I remained at an unhealthy body fat percentage and had an unhealthy relationship with exercise. I thought I'd be okay and just magically conceive like everyone else! That's definitely not how it's happening, though.

The truth is that I just had my first cycle without any medication in about three years last month. That's right. From the time I was 22 to just over 25 I didn't have a period unless I was on birth control or took a progesterone pill to try to make my period come. I knew something was wrong, but I thought my eating disorder and big control issues of my teen years were over. I decided to keep running long miles, have strenuous workout sessions in the gym, and control my food intake enough to where my body couldn't even be a woman anymore. I even became a personal trainer. I'm not sure if that made it worse or not, but I definitely have been living at the gym. And since I work at a gym, there's definitely not an excuse to miss a workout, right? That's what I though. And now I'm paying for it.

Last year taught me so much. I'm still not quite out of the dark valley I walked through all of last year, but I can say that I am much closer to the LORD because of it. I still don't know if I'll be able to conceive, but I'm trusting God with my heart and my emotions and my body each day now. If I don't ask Him for a renewed strength of heart and mind each day, I begin to slip back into my hole a little farther.

Part of me losing my foothold is seeing other women pregnant or seeing women I know on Facebook announce their pregnancy. A few months ago, that would send my body into a slight anxiety attack. Now, I'm seeing those pregnancies as God's blessings to them. It's not that He's not blessing me or not loving me. That's just not His plan for me in this moment as much as I want it to be. This life is not my own. He paid a price for me and I have to live His plan out in each of my steps. I never know what the next day will hold, but I do know that the LORD is already there waiting for me to lift me back up and to help me when the tough parts of the day show up.

Remember, this isn't my life on my time. It's His creation. His temporary home for us. I have to honor Him in all that I do in my time here. It's not easy. Jealousy and anxiety will probably creep in later today or tomorrow sometime when I see a 16 year old talk about getting pregnant her first time she had sex or a woman working out in the gym who's 6 months pregnant and glowing. It might be my best friend announcing her pregnancy on social media. With all of these trials I face, I have the choice to choose what the enemy wants me to choose or to praise God for what He's doing in their lives and turn to Him for strength.

Anxious Thoughts

"I cried out, 'I am slipping!' but your unfailing love, O LORD, supported me. When doubts filled my mind your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer." Psalm 94: 18-19

This past year my body has been racked with anxiety. It's not a feeling you can really put into words. It's such an out of body experience. You tell your body to stop aching and worrying and spinning out of control, but there is nothing you can do about it in the moment. Your heart just races and your mind knows nothing else. Somehow, you have to ground yourself.

One night while laying in bed with my husband, trying to fall to sleep as fast as possible, because I have to wake up so early to go to work, my anxious thoughts started creeping in my head. I tried to push them out. "Breathe,' I told myself. Keep breathing. Take deeper breaths." It wasn't working. One tear after another started slipping down each cheek. I held my deep sobs that would soon be following. I didn't want my husband to know what was happening. My body stiffened. He reached out and touched me, because he could feel my body start to throb. Then the tear gates fell wide open, my body spun out of control, and my heart felt like it was going to rip my chest wide open rib by rib. I had never felt this much moisture sliding down my cheeks. I had never known what it felt like for the thing that gives you life feel like it was actually about to be taken away. 

I'm not sure how I calmed down and came back to reality exactly on that night. My husband probably started trying to speak Truth to me, because somehow I heard His voice saying, "This is not the life I planned for you, but I am here for You! Turn back. Meditate on my Truths I have told you all of your life. I am your Hope. I am your Stability. I am you Shelter. I bare your burdens. don't believe the lies and let them seep into the very life of you."

Oh how I believed those lies. My anxious thoughts were consuming me, which just made it worse, but I never turned to the LORD. I knew I was supposed to, but how could He comfort me? Words in a Book didn't help. People telling me that God had a plan for me because of my fears and failures didn't help. And that quote, "if God brings you to it, God will get you through it" definitely didn't help. I felt alone and misplaced. I felt dirty and ashamed, because "I'm an adult." I shouldn't be having problems like this. But I was having problems. 

I still am facing the same problems that gave me my anxiety attacks. Now, I'm actually resting in God's Word on a daily basis, though. I'm putting forth effort to get to know my Saviour even more so now than ever before.  He has helped me numerous times when I begin to slip. And just when I think I don't need His help or He can't do anything is when I realize just how badly I need Him. So many times last year I thought I was crying out for His help and His hope that He promises us, but I was really just asking for an out. I was pretending I had done my duty of a Christian, by "praying" but going back to the filth just after. 

I urge you to earnestly and humbly seek out Christ in your mess. Not just read a Bible verse for the day and say, "Okay, this should help. Why is it not working? He can't help!" Because that is just filling your head with one more lie than it needs. He promises to help his children.

If you read just four verses up it reads, "The LORD will not reject his people; he will not abandon his special possession." Psalm 94:14

This is one of my favorite verses. He WON'T abandon you. He will not give up on trying to protect you from the enemy. You are His special possession. That's not to be taken lightly, so please don't take Him lightly. He loves you and me and doesn't want the world to eat us alive.

Number One

Number one, which I am not. 

Just when you think you've learned all you can about how to live your life in the best way possible you get side swept with something you thought you'd never have to face.  

Growing up, I always "knew" I'd be successful (aka making the big bucks), traveling the world, walking amongst the elite, marrying the most handsome man in the world, and have four little ones who adore me.  Well, three years after graduating from university I still don't know what "career" I want.  I haven't traveled outside the country since graduating, I definitely do not make the big bucks, I've never met anyone famous, and I don't have four set of feet running around me telling me how great of a person I am. I did, however marry the most handsome man in the world!

The years following graduation are tough. I'm not saying they haven't been filled with fun adventures, but after supposedly "finding yourself" in college, you lose it after you graduate. You move separate ways from your closest friends and maybe see them once a year. And you start searching for yourself again. I was very blessed to find my husband after I graduated. We've had a great (almost) two years of marriage, but as I watch him grow in his career as a Project Manager and LOVE it, I can't help to wonder where I went wrong. What should I have done differently? What is wrong with me? I keep feeding myself lies and binge on what the enemy is telling me. 

On top of changing my career path, over the past year and a half, we have faced infertility. The four sets of feet I that should be pitter pattering around the house (at least one set) is no where in sight. You always hear about a man having his "man card" taken away when he does something womanly.  Well, if I had a woman card, I feel like not being able to conceive in my early twenties would have had it revoked. 

Something that I thought would come so naturally like it has to so many other women for years has not at all come naturally to me. So, I begin to wonder, "Lord, why me? Why did you choose this path for me? Why have I shed so many tears and had so many sleepless nights thinking that I am imperfect, that I am broken, that I am not worthy?" I know how Sarah felt by not being able to conceive. By not being able to do something that the female body was created to do, you feel useless, ashamed, anxious and depressed. 

I have been binging on these lies for many months now, not looking for the truths that my Father gives me in His Book, because I didn't think I was worthy. Because the lies are easier to hear than beautiful words. But He tells me that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)."  I have been sinning by not accepting that truth. I have been sinning by being anxious to the point of having anxiety attacks and not truly bringing my fears to Him and handing them over "by prayer and petition (Phil 4:6)." Instead, I have been anxious about everything!  I have indadvertedly made myself number one instead of My Saviour. 

I am not number one. Jesus has proven this over and over to me throughout different challenges thrown at me during my life. Why I didn't cling to that during this challenge baffles me, because He is the greatest aspect of my life. He is Number One. Don't listen to the enemy in your struggles. I know it may be easier to hear, but it is far from the truth. Your Number One will provide for you. He will take care of you. He will make a way out for you. Don't cave in! This will be a daily struggle (as it is for me during this battle), but don't make yourself number one. He is your Number One. Listen to Him.