If...Then...?

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. 2 We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. 3 Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people;then you won’t become weary and give up. 4 After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin." Hebrews 12:1-3

Ponytails, yoga pants, and cups of coffee in hand. We were ready to hear from the LORD and triumph over this thing called life. Our souls aching and doubts lingering from years of seemingly unanswered prayer. We all knew there was only One Hope and Escape from all of this, but none of us seemed to be experiencing the freedom that His tattered body brought us years ago when He was nailed to the cross. It's difficult to understand everything about your Saviour when you've never seen Him. It's tremendously difficult to believe everything He says when you're all alone. There was so much unknown hurt and fear sitting in my friend's two-bedroom apartment this weekend when the three of us watched a conference from Austin, Texas called the IF Gathering. #IFGathering

The whole basis for this conference was "If Jesus is real, then what?" If Jesus isn't just some fairytale, crazy story, or super humanitarian, then what? It reminded me of Nicole Nordeman's song, "What if." It seemed to fit the theme of the conference.

What if you're right?
And he was just another nice guy
What if you're right?
What if it's true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it's true?

But what if you're wrong?
What if there's more?
What if there's hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He's more than enough?
What if it's love?

We heard from so many amazing speakers with wisdom beyond my years, but I'm not here to spotlight these women, because I know that's not what they would want me to write about. God's kingdom has grown so much bigger because of the work these women have done. The hungry are actually fed, the orphans are being taken in and shown love, women in sex trafficking are being shown that they are not a number, and they are worth far more than anyone on earth could ever pay their pimps. When I start to think about these absurdities and disgusting circumstances all over our world and right under our noses, I start to tremble. Why? I start to tremble, because I'm really not doing anything about it at all! At all! I'm not lifting one finger for God's kingdom. He tells us to feed the hungry. He brought me to a city where sometimes (if I'm being honest) I still kick and cry about living in, but it's a city with hundreds of hungry people holding little cardboard signs. I try to ignore every person, though, because God surely doesn't expect me to actually feed every single person in Baltimore. But why not?? If God is real, why can't this happen?! It only starts with one thing, right?

I am so furious with myself for living in my little box of hurt and not looking at the world of hurt around me. I think that I can't take care of others, because I'm having a hard time healing my wounds right now, but what if this is exactly what my soul is longing for? Is this what Jesus talks about in His Book? Is this how my soul will find rest this side of eternity? Is this the peace that Paul and other Biblical authors and modern day missionaries have found?

Baltimore isn't a city for the faint of heart. People question my husband and I on a daily basis of why we moved to Baltimore. My answer is because we could afford a house here. It's cheaper to live in Baltimore than the other counties around us. But what if that's not the reason. What if there's more than just a simple numbers game happening here? What if God strategically placed us here? Is that such a crazy thought? He placed us here in a city of hungry people, crying babies, single moms, drug dealing, crime infested streets, and very few Christian circles. I've been longing to move back to the south. Back to my safety. Back to the streets that don't have  a person with a cardboard message on every corner. Back to the streets without much traffic, low crime, more "love," and more churches.

We joke about first world problems so often. The jokes are funny. They really are. One that happened recently - my husband ate off of one plate and placed his plate along with his fork in the sink. He still had a bowl of bananas to finish, but went to the silverware drawer for another fork. I questioned him, "why are you getting another fork? You just had one." His answer, "Well...it's wet now." We laughed about it and summed that up as a first world problem. Because if that is our problem, we surely have too much. We are worried about a wet fork, and hundreds of Baltimorian residents are worried about where to sleep tonight. Is it going to dip below freezing? Am I going to get hypothermia? It's been such a cold winter that the homeless have been battling frost bite. They have had to have their fingers or toes amputated, because they didn't have anything or anywhere warm enough to stay. I think about the cold and I grab one of my 10 sweatshirts and the warmest blanket I have. Why have I not been concerned about people sleeping on the streets? It makes me sick to think about how wretched I have been. I haven't lifted a finger. I try not to even look at them while driving past them in my warm car. I have been dehumanizing these lovely people with cardboard words.

What if I began to help the hurting? What if we all began to help the hurting for Jesus' namesake? Then what would Baltimore or your city or a third world country look like? One of the women at the IF Gathering said that a burden is born from the intersection of hope and despair. What is your burden? What do you passionately care about? Who do you want to help? What makes you sick to your stomach? What causes you to stay up at night? This conference was exclusive to women, but I challenge men to think about this as well. Break free from your circle of comfort. It will be scary. I know it will be, because I'm scared just thinking about where this journey may take me and what will be asked of me to sacrifice. I'm scared of not knowing and not seeing a plan, because I like plans!

Pray. Be specific in your prayers. Become more in tune with hearing God's voice as inaudible as it may be to you. Find a group of Christians that can help you along in the race and ask hard questions; not just sit and giggle with you over coffee at brunch every week; not just study the Word with you; but actually act on what Jesus commands us to do. Go feed. Go comfort. Go clothe. Go love. Go hold. Go cry. Go listen. There are too many needs to stay seated in your oversized chair under your monogrammed blanket.

What if you took one step? Then what?

Anxious Thoughts

"I cried out, 'I am slipping!' but your unfailing love, O LORD, supported me. When doubts filled my mind your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer." Psalm 94: 18-19

This past year my body has been racked with anxiety. It's not a feeling you can really put into words. It's such an out of body experience. You tell your body to stop aching and worrying and spinning out of control, but there is nothing you can do about it in the moment. Your heart just races and your mind knows nothing else. Somehow, you have to ground yourself.

One night while laying in bed with my husband, trying to fall to sleep as fast as possible, because I have to wake up so early to go to work, my anxious thoughts started creeping in my head. I tried to push them out. "Breathe,' I told myself. Keep breathing. Take deeper breaths." It wasn't working. One tear after another started slipping down each cheek. I held my deep sobs that would soon be following. I didn't want my husband to know what was happening. My body stiffened. He reached out and touched me, because he could feel my body start to throb. Then the tear gates fell wide open, my body spun out of control, and my heart felt like it was going to rip my chest wide open rib by rib. I had never felt this much moisture sliding down my cheeks. I had never known what it felt like for the thing that gives you life feel like it was actually about to be taken away. 

I'm not sure how I calmed down and came back to reality exactly on that night. My husband probably started trying to speak Truth to me, because somehow I heard His voice saying, "This is not the life I planned for you, but I am here for You! Turn back. Meditate on my Truths I have told you all of your life. I am your Hope. I am your Stability. I am you Shelter. I bare your burdens. don't believe the lies and let them seep into the very life of you."

Oh how I believed those lies. My anxious thoughts were consuming me, which just made it worse, but I never turned to the LORD. I knew I was supposed to, but how could He comfort me? Words in a Book didn't help. People telling me that God had a plan for me because of my fears and failures didn't help. And that quote, "if God brings you to it, God will get you through it" definitely didn't help. I felt alone and misplaced. I felt dirty and ashamed, because "I'm an adult." I shouldn't be having problems like this. But I was having problems. 

I still am facing the same problems that gave me my anxiety attacks. Now, I'm actually resting in God's Word on a daily basis, though. I'm putting forth effort to get to know my Saviour even more so now than ever before.  He has helped me numerous times when I begin to slip. And just when I think I don't need His help or He can't do anything is when I realize just how badly I need Him. So many times last year I thought I was crying out for His help and His hope that He promises us, but I was really just asking for an out. I was pretending I had done my duty of a Christian, by "praying" but going back to the filth just after. 

I urge you to earnestly and humbly seek out Christ in your mess. Not just read a Bible verse for the day and say, "Okay, this should help. Why is it not working? He can't help!" Because that is just filling your head with one more lie than it needs. He promises to help his children.

If you read just four verses up it reads, "The LORD will not reject his people; he will not abandon his special possession." Psalm 94:14

This is one of my favorite verses. He WON'T abandon you. He will not give up on trying to protect you from the enemy. You are His special possession. That's not to be taken lightly, so please don't take Him lightly. He loves you and me and doesn't want the world to eat us alive.