Touch of Pink

The nursery is finally done...I think :) There are always final touches that could be made, but all in all, we're ready for this chick (on the planning side of things).  And I have to say, I absolutely LOVE just going to sit in there. It relaxes my mind and just calms me as funny as that sounds. The "touch of pink" on the walls is enough for my anxious thoughts to scatter and my mind can enter a tranquil place. I can envision the giggles, late night nursing, and rocking to soothe our baby's tears. I know the nights won't always be as calm in that room as they are now, so I'm savoring these last few weeks and meditating on the sweetness to come.

We were very fortunate to get  hand-me-downs for all the furniture in the room except the rocker. My parents gifted us that soft chair for our baby shower. It's probably my favorite part of the whole room and the reason I'm able to relax :)

Still a little cluttered, but this is baby H's nursery.

We received the monogram from one of my best friends at our baby shower. Up close, the monogram just looks like a lot of curly-cues. It was ordered in natural wood, so we could paint if what ever color we wanted. Of course I wanted it gold to go with the color theme. It was super easy and required no thought at all.

I bought a "brilliant gold" spray paint by Design Master from Michael's and went to town. I sprayed three coats just to make sure it all was coated evenly. While I had the spray paint out, I also decided to spray one frame on the wall the same "brilliant gold."

Beautiful monogram from Strickland. They did a beautiful job. Great prices too!

Tassels and "Pray Big" pillow from my sister-in-law Kelly. Beautiful monogram from one of my best friends. And crocheted blanket from our baby shower made my some special hands!

White turned gold frame.

I was so excited with how the gold came out. Spray paints are always so difficult for me to pick out. There are so many shades of each color, and they start to run together after staring at the case for 20 minutes trying to decide between three colors. Luckily, the crafty people at Michael's helped make the decision when I shared my vision of gold! 

This frame went above the changing table along with a few more frames. This oval frame is still empty. Waiting upon the arrival of baby H. My thoughts right now are leaning towards a sweet daddy/baby photo or footprints and handprints. If you have any cute ideas, let me know in the comments. As mentioned above with the gold spray paint, sometimes it's nice to have a third party make my decision! 

Please disregard the glare in these photos. The room doesn't have a a good time of day for taking pictures and not having a glare in the glass. The photos, left to right, clockwise: 

• Cross stitched photo of a child praying that my mom made for me when I was born. She brought it by surprise on her last visit. The colors were perfect for the room, but even if they weren't, it had to go up.
• Gold "Love" photo from Homegoods
• "You are My Sunshine" wooden photo from my sister-in-law, Kelly.
• White and light pink frame from my baby shower with a sample of Anthropologie's wall paper I received for free about a year ago.
• Antique gold frame with a maternity photo my sister-in-law, Kelly, snapped for our baby shower.
• Center frame is the gold spray painted frame that something special will go in after baby H is born. 

I'm really happy with how this turned out. I love photo collages on walls. I'm actually still working on one in our den. It's been incomplete for probably 6 months now. (Don't judge! Baby fever swept over me.)

 This is a panoramic of the complete nursery. Back in the left corner is the carseat, diaper pail, a big cloth toy basket, and my hospital bag (which is only packed with the baby's clothes right now).  In the right corner is a little nightstand with our baby monitor and another little toy box on top. Right now, the nightstand is also our little library. Hopefully, we'll be able to find a little bookshelf for under one of the windows eventually. All this to say, there is still some clutter left in the room, but it'll go away very soon!

There's one thing I may still change about the walls. The starburst mirror on the right may come down and be replaced with something else. Possibly the tassels hanging on the crib (they won't stay there anyways). Again, suggestions would be great! We also are still in the process of looking for a little chandelier for the room. I'm not sold on the two lamps in the corner. For me, it's clutter!

I'll be 34 weeks tomorrow. It feels so close! Six weeks left. Our last Bradley class is this coming Sunday. 12 weeks of the class went by super fast. That means these next six will go by even quicker.

My bump at 33 weeks. Tomorrow 10/23 I'll be 34 weeks!

Snow Day Investment

It's going to sound weird, but a snow day is something I've actually been praying for! For the world to stop...just one day. Take a chill pill. Not worry about numbers being hit and dollars being made. We get so caught up in making checks balance and putting in overtime so that we can rise up in our jobs and look great to our bosses, be told "well done," pay the bills, feed our extravagant lifestyles. Lately, I can't do that. The pressure the world puts on us to perform is so overwhelming that it feels as if you have no choice but to conform. To squeeze into shoes that are just too tight. To rub rouge on our cheeks just one more day so that you can impress your clients, your boss, the world...Wake up early and stay late. Our spouses can wait. Our kids can wait. They become second in this world without a second thought. It's all about what we can do with our seventy odd years here on this earth.

This is an upside down world we live are living in. God has been pressing this issue on my heart lately. It causes anxieties and worries for so many people (myself included). And so many people don't understand why they are struggling. Some days, I forget that I do have a Hope and that Hope is secure. Some days when I feel overwhelmed with my job, I forget that my job is not my worth.

Jesus tells us in Matthew 6:25-34 that we're more valuable that birds and lilies. He looks out for them even though they are on this earth for such a short period of time. He gives them what they need. He will surely help us through these tough times if you trust His plan for you. Don't conform to the world because it is the easy thing to do. Say "no" to things you don't agree with. Say "no" to things that will harm your spouse or your children. Jesus wants you to invest in Him. He wants you to invest in your spouse and your children and your neighbors so much more than being someone who has no time on his hands because he's worried he won't climb the ladder the way society tells him he has to. Just because you aren't the CEO of a company, or the colleague who puts in the most hours, or the most beautiful woman in the office, doesn't mean you don't have worth. Don't worry about the things of this world. They aren't your worries! We carry around too many things inside of our head that we think we have to live up to. But guess what...you don't! Throw those ideas aside. You are God's creation-not your CEO's. Don't worry. You will survive. Don't worry.

In this same sermon, Jesus teaches on money. Money is a huge worry for most and is a whole other can of worms, but falls into this category as well.  Your family, your sanity, your relationship with the LORD is eternally more important than conforming to this world and making sure you measure up to the person next to you. If those things are what is important to you, you will never be enough. Don't worry about that. God will handle that for you. Trust Him. Believe His Word. He's not trying to become a Fortune 500 company or the most handsome man in Hollywood. He just wants your trust, so that you don't have to worry.

So if you live in the Northeast, enjoy your snow day. If you aren't in the Northeast, maybe you need to carve time out in your month for a "snow day." Invest in what truly matters. Invest in your soul. And remember that the LORD cares for you. He does listen to you even when you think He may have stopped. He gave me something as simple as a snow day. He already knows what you need before you ask, but He wants you to speak up!

"Why do I worry? Why do I freak out? God knows what I need."

Today, I am able to slow things down, watch the snow fall, drink a cup of coffee, spend a little longer in the Word, while listening to my husband practice worship music he's playing this Sunday, and cuddling with my pup.

Choosing the Maker's Life for Myself

"Never say never." That's what we're told, right? Growing up your parents always say that when you tell them, "I'm never going to be as mean as you and ground my kids!" Or something to the like. Well, I never thought I'd have a problem having children. I didn't really even know what that was until we started trying to have little one of our own.

I thought I could have the world on my time. It's my life so my rules, right? Absolutely wrong! The hard part for me is that I didn't even put off having children until I was 35 like so many women these days. Instead, I remained at an unhealthy body fat percentage and had an unhealthy relationship with exercise. I thought I'd be okay and just magically conceive like everyone else! That's definitely not how it's happening, though.

The truth is that I just had my first cycle without any medication in about three years last month. That's right. From the time I was 22 to just over 25 I didn't have a period unless I was on birth control or took a progesterone pill to try to make my period come. I knew something was wrong, but I thought my eating disorder and big control issues of my teen years were over. I decided to keep running long miles, have strenuous workout sessions in the gym, and control my food intake enough to where my body couldn't even be a woman anymore. I even became a personal trainer. I'm not sure if that made it worse or not, but I definitely have been living at the gym. And since I work at a gym, there's definitely not an excuse to miss a workout, right? That's what I though. And now I'm paying for it.

Last year taught me so much. I'm still not quite out of the dark valley I walked through all of last year, but I can say that I am much closer to the LORD because of it. I still don't know if I'll be able to conceive, but I'm trusting God with my heart and my emotions and my body each day now. If I don't ask Him for a renewed strength of heart and mind each day, I begin to slip back into my hole a little farther.

Part of me losing my foothold is seeing other women pregnant or seeing women I know on Facebook announce their pregnancy. A few months ago, that would send my body into a slight anxiety attack. Now, I'm seeing those pregnancies as God's blessings to them. It's not that He's not blessing me or not loving me. That's just not His plan for me in this moment as much as I want it to be. This life is not my own. He paid a price for me and I have to live His plan out in each of my steps. I never know what the next day will hold, but I do know that the LORD is already there waiting for me to lift me back up and to help me when the tough parts of the day show up.

Remember, this isn't my life on my time. It's His creation. His temporary home for us. I have to honor Him in all that I do in my time here. It's not easy. Jealousy and anxiety will probably creep in later today or tomorrow sometime when I see a 16 year old talk about getting pregnant her first time she had sex or a woman working out in the gym who's 6 months pregnant and glowing. It might be my best friend announcing her pregnancy on social media. With all of these trials I face, I have the choice to choose what the enemy wants me to choose or to praise God for what He's doing in their lives and turn to Him for strength.

Anxious Thoughts

"I cried out, 'I am slipping!' but your unfailing love, O LORD, supported me. When doubts filled my mind your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer." Psalm 94: 18-19

This past year my body has been racked with anxiety. It's not a feeling you can really put into words. It's such an out of body experience. You tell your body to stop aching and worrying and spinning out of control, but there is nothing you can do about it in the moment. Your heart just races and your mind knows nothing else. Somehow, you have to ground yourself.

One night while laying in bed with my husband, trying to fall to sleep as fast as possible, because I have to wake up so early to go to work, my anxious thoughts started creeping in my head. I tried to push them out. "Breathe,' I told myself. Keep breathing. Take deeper breaths." It wasn't working. One tear after another started slipping down each cheek. I held my deep sobs that would soon be following. I didn't want my husband to know what was happening. My body stiffened. He reached out and touched me, because he could feel my body start to throb. Then the tear gates fell wide open, my body spun out of control, and my heart felt like it was going to rip my chest wide open rib by rib. I had never felt this much moisture sliding down my cheeks. I had never known what it felt like for the thing that gives you life feel like it was actually about to be taken away. 

I'm not sure how I calmed down and came back to reality exactly on that night. My husband probably started trying to speak Truth to me, because somehow I heard His voice saying, "This is not the life I planned for you, but I am here for You! Turn back. Meditate on my Truths I have told you all of your life. I am your Hope. I am your Stability. I am you Shelter. I bare your burdens. don't believe the lies and let them seep into the very life of you."

Oh how I believed those lies. My anxious thoughts were consuming me, which just made it worse, but I never turned to the LORD. I knew I was supposed to, but how could He comfort me? Words in a Book didn't help. People telling me that God had a plan for me because of my fears and failures didn't help. And that quote, "if God brings you to it, God will get you through it" definitely didn't help. I felt alone and misplaced. I felt dirty and ashamed, because "I'm an adult." I shouldn't be having problems like this. But I was having problems. 

I still am facing the same problems that gave me my anxiety attacks. Now, I'm actually resting in God's Word on a daily basis, though. I'm putting forth effort to get to know my Saviour even more so now than ever before.  He has helped me numerous times when I begin to slip. And just when I think I don't need His help or He can't do anything is when I realize just how badly I need Him. So many times last year I thought I was crying out for His help and His hope that He promises us, but I was really just asking for an out. I was pretending I had done my duty of a Christian, by "praying" but going back to the filth just after. 

I urge you to earnestly and humbly seek out Christ in your mess. Not just read a Bible verse for the day and say, "Okay, this should help. Why is it not working? He can't help!" Because that is just filling your head with one more lie than it needs. He promises to help his children.

If you read just four verses up it reads, "The LORD will not reject his people; he will not abandon his special possession." Psalm 94:14

This is one of my favorite verses. He WON'T abandon you. He will not give up on trying to protect you from the enemy. You are His special possession. That's not to be taken lightly, so please don't take Him lightly. He loves you and me and doesn't want the world to eat us alive.

Number One

Number one, which I am not. 

Just when you think you've learned all you can about how to live your life in the best way possible you get side swept with something you thought you'd never have to face.  

Growing up, I always "knew" I'd be successful (aka making the big bucks), traveling the world, walking amongst the elite, marrying the most handsome man in the world, and have four little ones who adore me.  Well, three years after graduating from university I still don't know what "career" I want.  I haven't traveled outside the country since graduating, I definitely do not make the big bucks, I've never met anyone famous, and I don't have four set of feet running around me telling me how great of a person I am. I did, however marry the most handsome man in the world!

The years following graduation are tough. I'm not saying they haven't been filled with fun adventures, but after supposedly "finding yourself" in college, you lose it after you graduate. You move separate ways from your closest friends and maybe see them once a year. And you start searching for yourself again. I was very blessed to find my husband after I graduated. We've had a great (almost) two years of marriage, but as I watch him grow in his career as a Project Manager and LOVE it, I can't help to wonder where I went wrong. What should I have done differently? What is wrong with me? I keep feeding myself lies and binge on what the enemy is telling me. 

On top of changing my career path, over the past year and a half, we have faced infertility. The four sets of feet I that should be pitter pattering around the house (at least one set) is no where in sight. You always hear about a man having his "man card" taken away when he does something womanly.  Well, if I had a woman card, I feel like not being able to conceive in my early twenties would have had it revoked. 

Something that I thought would come so naturally like it has to so many other women for years has not at all come naturally to me. So, I begin to wonder, "Lord, why me? Why did you choose this path for me? Why have I shed so many tears and had so many sleepless nights thinking that I am imperfect, that I am broken, that I am not worthy?" I know how Sarah felt by not being able to conceive. By not being able to do something that the female body was created to do, you feel useless, ashamed, anxious and depressed. 

I have been binging on these lies for many months now, not looking for the truths that my Father gives me in His Book, because I didn't think I was worthy. Because the lies are easier to hear than beautiful words. But He tells me that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)."  I have been sinning by not accepting that truth. I have been sinning by being anxious to the point of having anxiety attacks and not truly bringing my fears to Him and handing them over "by prayer and petition (Phil 4:6)." Instead, I have been anxious about everything!  I have indadvertedly made myself number one instead of My Saviour. 

I am not number one. Jesus has proven this over and over to me throughout different challenges thrown at me during my life. Why I didn't cling to that during this challenge baffles me, because He is the greatest aspect of my life. He is Number One. Don't listen to the enemy in your struggles. I know it may be easier to hear, but it is far from the truth. Your Number One will provide for you. He will take care of you. He will make a way out for you. Don't cave in! This will be a daily struggle (as it is for me during this battle), but don't make yourself number one. He is your Number One. Listen to Him.