Our Stories...

God is good. I could say just those three words and this post would be wrapped up, but I really want you to know why He is so incredibly good. As you know, Kevin and I have dealt with infertility issues. It's a heart wrenching experience to go through and wouldn't wish it on anyone else. Here's the "funny" thing, though...other people do deal with this. Close friends deal with this. And I've been blessed to know people who have had children through years of going through miscarriages, infertility treatments, unexplained infertility, and so much more. They have miracle stories that are even more powerful than mine.

When Kevin and I were experiencing our lowest points through this journey, other women's stories helped me more than anything. I loved to read their stories of how their little nugget of gold finally did come! God was waiting, so His glory would be shown even more so than if that child came right away. (I'm not saying that if you do get pregnant right away that it's not just as much of a miracle. There are just different ways for God to show His glory and different scripts to write for His kingdom to grow).

Photos by Fatima

I want to introduce my friend, Leah at "Journey With Gabe." I would tell you all of her story, but she's already done a great job of that on her own blog. Please, please read her latest post on her little boy. Her miracle. Her little gold nugget. I cried (which doesn't take much) tears of pain and joy while reading it and just want to scoop her little boy up in my arms and hug him.

Zeke's Heart

It's another story that shows who our true Redeemer is and who we need to trust and keep trusting every second of every day. This story should give hope to those struggling with infertility and to mothers holding their children in their arms to celebrate life! Celebrate through the truly tough and trying times, whether that be looking at yet another negative pregnancy test or a bad medical report from your little one's pediatrician. 

I hope you enjoyed her story as much as I did.

Crushing Idols

I know that every single parent out there will say the exact same thing and I've heard it 1,000 times, but pregnancy really does go by in the blink of an eye! I'll be 30 weeks tomorrow and I'm not sure where the past 30 weeks have gone. I just had my midwife appointment today and I was measuring 31 weeks. Little Peanut still has a strong heartbeat and she must have some long legs too!

I'm learning new things about her and what it means to nurture someone else whose life is dependent on mine daily. I guess the few years that we wanted to get pregnant and couldn't, I envied every pregnant belly that I crossed paths with and wondered when it'd be my time and why it couldn't be this very moment! Now, I know that it was because God wanted me to care for the little gal that's growing inside of me right now. And no matter the pain (ahem...the excruciating rib pain), I'll already do anything for her or say no to things I may have once said "yes" to, because her well-being is my number one priority.

And in the midst of caring for this little Peanut everyday and having her on my mind every second, I realize that it's not the big picture. The big picture is still Jesus. It's not that my journey in the valley is over and I'm free from pain and suffering (hellllo labor pains...just kidding...well, partly). The point is that this miracle should be pointing me more and more towards my Creator and some days, regardless of seeing the miracle, I forget that this child is about Him. It's to show me His love, His mercy, His grace, His unfathomable care for me as His child.

I, as a mother-to-be, should imitate His unconditional love for this child He's knitting together in my womb. Of course I'll make mistakes and embarrass the heck out of her at times, but I need my eyes on the bigger picture and not just the miracle. The miracle is ... well... a miracle and an amazing one at that! But, if I take my eyes off of Him and just focus on this miracle, the miracle will become my idol. An idol is something I definitely do not want to show my daughter. I've made too many in my life! She'll make mistakes and make her own, but I need her to see that Jesus is the only one who is precious and worthy enough to be made our idol. My prayer is that my idols fall like the leaves off the trees. Let them wither and be crushed under my foot. This isn't a time I need to be letting idols of everything baby and parenting into my life. It's a time when I need to surrender and call out to God on a daily basis for His help and wisdom.

In 10 weeks, one of my biggest challenges (dare I say the biggest) will enter my life and I need to be on a solid foundation. For myself. For my husband. For our marriage. For our daughter.

                                                                             

And a few pictures to update you guys on this little gal's progress!

The Big Gender Reveal

Since we found out that we were pregnant, we knew I knew that I wanted to get to know who ever was growing inside of me before he or she was born. Kevin on the other hand wanted it to be a surprise at first. I finally got him to come around (hey, this little one is growing inside of me, right) and join the good side.

After many people praying for us for over a year to be able to have children, we wanted the village who would raise this peanut to find out who they'd be raising at the same time as us! We had a gender reveal party.

The theme was bow or beau. My sister-in-law helped out tremendously. She made all the food for the girl's side of the table and I made everything for a little boy (since I thought that's what we were going to have for weeks and weeks). I also made little clips for everyone to wear on their clothes.
 I started out with stickers, since I couldn't find anything pre-made that I liked or cost effective for a budget! I found these at Target and knew I could do something with them.

Bow and "Beau" stickers

Next, I cut all those little funny squiggles out and hot glued them on to tiny little clothespins from the baby shower aisle at Party City. Pretty simple. The husband even helped me cut out a few of those hard to cut mustachios.

There's a bit of white on some of them, but I was pretty satisfied.

Modeling how to wear these clips!

So, all the guests that came picked up their little clothespin and then added a name to our baby name board...just incase we needed help from those clowns...

Not everyone added an idea, but we got some input

Unfortunately, I was too engrossed in the party to actually take pictures of the food. My sister-in-law took some, though. The spread was gorgeous. For the boy's side I made items that went along with the theme "slugs, snails, and puppy dog tails." There was dirt pudding, pigs in a blanket disguised as slugs with little antennas made of pretzels, veggie dip dyed blue, meatballs, a blue punch with frozen yogurt in it, and other miscellaneous things. The girl's side was themed "sugar, spice, and everything nice." Kelly did such a great job dipping pretzels, marshmallows and strawberries in white chocolate and then in pink sprinkles. There was also a pink punch, cookies, fruit, donuts, and milk in old fashioned milk bottles. Coordinating balloons on either side of the food were placed at the table as well. We also used leftover stickers for our Natty Boh (still in the bow/beau them...and hey, we live in Baltimore) beer.

One of my favorite decorations! Simple, but super cute

After mingling for a while, it was time to bite those tempting cupcakes sitting on their own table away from everything else. They were the "sacred food" that no one could touch until we said so! Felt a bit empowered by that idea....Actually, they were on a different table so no child would accidentally pick up a delicious looking cupcake and eat it :) 

Our cupcakes from Harris Teeter

We had no idea what we were having, remember. We dropped an envelope off at Harris Teeter entrusting them with this!

We all bit into them at the same time. 3-2-1...

It's a girl!!!!!!

Both Kevin and I were in complete shock! We both cried tears of joy. Tears of a new adventure. Tears of God's grace. Tears of a new story beginning. And again, my mom screamed (just like when she found out we were pregnant). It was such an amazing moment to have our support system around us while we were doing this. Not that it mattered if it were a bow or a beau, but really to tell everyone how much we love and thank them for their fervent prayers. To show them that God answered their prayers and ours. We have such a faithful community and a faithful God. Having children seems like such a given in this world, but it's not! And it should be celebrated, whether you struggled to conceive like us or had no problem at all. I'm still in awe of what God has given us. It's brought so much joy. 

Looong Time No See

So...This post is looong overdue. I'll cut straight to the point, so there's no wondering. Since my last post in March, we became pregnant!! We found out April 2. A day I'll never forget. That night, we went ahead and shared the news with Kevin's parents and sister. We had a nice dinner out with them celebrating their anniversary, so nothing was suspected. We gave them a bottle of wine with an Easter egg tied around the top. Kevin's dad politely said, "thanks." So, we had to nudge the two of them to open the egg. Inside was a pacifier that said "coming December 2014." His mom screamed and his dad was thrilled. Our little nephew at the table was still a bit confused, but he's definitely come around!

Then, that weekend we already had a trip planned to see my parents in South Carolina. Totally unsuspicious. We packed them a little gift bag with two Easter eggs. One saying, "you'll need this soon..." and other saying "this big." The first one had a pacifier just as Kevin's parents' egg. The other was filled with poppy seeds, because at that time baby Williams was only a speck! My mom doubled over in tears and excitement. My dad smiled and congratulated with warm hugs!

It was such a great experience. That first trimester was tough, though. And I'm not talking morning sickness! I actually never had one funny feeling (thank the Lord). I was terrified of losing this little person we had just created. Around 10 weeks, my cousin gave me a used heart rate doppler. I cannot tell you how many times that little piece of technology put my mind at ease. It was definitely three months of fully trusting the Lord with what He had blessed us with.

The first stick! Taken at 5:30am. In shock.

First belly picture!

How "big" our little peanut was on that day.

Just wanted to see it written out...insurance :)

And the first picture of our little peanut. God is good.

Now, at 6 months pregnant, we've found out we're expecting a baby girl on December 4th! She's starting to kick, and play, and has already found my ribs (yes, they are bruised). We're thinking she may be a soccer player! 

From that little peanut to the 2 pound girl she is now....

12 weeks

13 weeks

14 weeks

15 weeks

16 weeks

17 weeks

18 weeks (in Paris)

19 weeks

20 weeks (gender reveal party!)

21 weeks

22 weeks

23 weeks

24 weeks

25 weeks

26 weeks

And we're 27 weeks tomorrow! Throughout these past weeks, we've put the size of the baby (compared to a fruit or veggie), length, weight, weeks, and milestones (which I don't think you can see from the pictures). It's been crazy watching the bump grow. I can't wait to show her one day!

This is the little face I keep in my heart and mind until the cold day she decides to make her entrance...

Love that sweet little peanut

Whole30...ish...

If you don't know what the Whole30 challenge is, check out the link. Basically, you only eat whole foods for 30 days. That is, you eat meat, veggies, and healthy fats. No flour, dairy, legumes, sugar, alcohol, etc. Kevin and I have decided to give this a go, because we figured there's nothing to lose (except for that ever loving delicious dark chocolate in the fridge).

We made a pact this past weekend to start ASAP. The only thing that we didn't want to do was waste money. That defeats any purpose to me. Why waste items that we already bought. So, we will finish our half carton of oatmeal, the rest of our life cereal, maybe a chocolate chip cookie, an open bottle of wine, and definitely the dark chocolate! But after these few items are gone, we are all on board for this new journey. We had our first meal last night, which turned out pretty good. It was a turkey burger with avocado, spinach, and a mix of mushrooms, onions, and spinach cooked in coconut oil. Delicious if I must say so myself! 

It's not even that we don't eat healthy the majority of the time. There were just places that we could do without, especially while trying to get pregnant. I know I'm guilty of cookies or candy occasionally. Definitely guilty of dark chocolate and red wine. Perfect combo, right?

I also made us a scrumptious breakfast casserole for the week ahead:

12 eggs

1.5 lbs of your preferred ground meat (I chose turkey, because It was on sale)

3 cups mushrooms

1/2 onion

5 cups spinach

any spices you desire

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit

2. Brown the meat. Place in the bottom of an oiled (with coconut oil) 13X9 pyrex

3. Mix eggs, spices, and all veggies together

4. Pour egg mixture on top of meat

5. Bake for 40 minutes or is not runny

This should make about 8-10 portions depending on how much you want

I didn't have the best camera at the time, so the pictures aren't great, but ya get the gist! It's portable and easy and delicious.

Tonight, I made a beef stew. I'll let you know how that turns out tomorrow :)

Choosing the Maker's Life for Myself

"Never say never." That's what we're told, right? Growing up your parents always say that when you tell them, "I'm never going to be as mean as you and ground my kids!" Or something to the like. Well, I never thought I'd have a problem having children. I didn't really even know what that was until we started trying to have little one of our own.

I thought I could have the world on my time. It's my life so my rules, right? Absolutely wrong! The hard part for me is that I didn't even put off having children until I was 35 like so many women these days. Instead, I remained at an unhealthy body fat percentage and had an unhealthy relationship with exercise. I thought I'd be okay and just magically conceive like everyone else! That's definitely not how it's happening, though.

The truth is that I just had my first cycle without any medication in about three years last month. That's right. From the time I was 22 to just over 25 I didn't have a period unless I was on birth control or took a progesterone pill to try to make my period come. I knew something was wrong, but I thought my eating disorder and big control issues of my teen years were over. I decided to keep running long miles, have strenuous workout sessions in the gym, and control my food intake enough to where my body couldn't even be a woman anymore. I even became a personal trainer. I'm not sure if that made it worse or not, but I definitely have been living at the gym. And since I work at a gym, there's definitely not an excuse to miss a workout, right? That's what I though. And now I'm paying for it.

Last year taught me so much. I'm still not quite out of the dark valley I walked through all of last year, but I can say that I am much closer to the LORD because of it. I still don't know if I'll be able to conceive, but I'm trusting God with my heart and my emotions and my body each day now. If I don't ask Him for a renewed strength of heart and mind each day, I begin to slip back into my hole a little farther.

Part of me losing my foothold is seeing other women pregnant or seeing women I know on Facebook announce their pregnancy. A few months ago, that would send my body into a slight anxiety attack. Now, I'm seeing those pregnancies as God's blessings to them. It's not that He's not blessing me or not loving me. That's just not His plan for me in this moment as much as I want it to be. This life is not my own. He paid a price for me and I have to live His plan out in each of my steps. I never know what the next day will hold, but I do know that the LORD is already there waiting for me to lift me back up and to help me when the tough parts of the day show up.

Remember, this isn't my life on my time. It's His creation. His temporary home for us. I have to honor Him in all that I do in my time here. It's not easy. Jealousy and anxiety will probably creep in later today or tomorrow sometime when I see a 16 year old talk about getting pregnant her first time she had sex or a woman working out in the gym who's 6 months pregnant and glowing. It might be my best friend announcing her pregnancy on social media. With all of these trials I face, I have the choice to choose what the enemy wants me to choose or to praise God for what He's doing in their lives and turn to Him for strength.

Number One

Number one, which I am not. 

Just when you think you've learned all you can about how to live your life in the best way possible you get side swept with something you thought you'd never have to face.  

Growing up, I always "knew" I'd be successful (aka making the big bucks), traveling the world, walking amongst the elite, marrying the most handsome man in the world, and have four little ones who adore me.  Well, three years after graduating from university I still don't know what "career" I want.  I haven't traveled outside the country since graduating, I definitely do not make the big bucks, I've never met anyone famous, and I don't have four set of feet running around me telling me how great of a person I am. I did, however marry the most handsome man in the world!

The years following graduation are tough. I'm not saying they haven't been filled with fun adventures, but after supposedly "finding yourself" in college, you lose it after you graduate. You move separate ways from your closest friends and maybe see them once a year. And you start searching for yourself again. I was very blessed to find my husband after I graduated. We've had a great (almost) two years of marriage, but as I watch him grow in his career as a Project Manager and LOVE it, I can't help to wonder where I went wrong. What should I have done differently? What is wrong with me? I keep feeding myself lies and binge on what the enemy is telling me. 

On top of changing my career path, over the past year and a half, we have faced infertility. The four sets of feet I that should be pitter pattering around the house (at least one set) is no where in sight. You always hear about a man having his "man card" taken away when he does something womanly.  Well, if I had a woman card, I feel like not being able to conceive in my early twenties would have had it revoked. 

Something that I thought would come so naturally like it has to so many other women for years has not at all come naturally to me. So, I begin to wonder, "Lord, why me? Why did you choose this path for me? Why have I shed so many tears and had so many sleepless nights thinking that I am imperfect, that I am broken, that I am not worthy?" I know how Sarah felt by not being able to conceive. By not being able to do something that the female body was created to do, you feel useless, ashamed, anxious and depressed. 

I have been binging on these lies for many months now, not looking for the truths that my Father gives me in His Book, because I didn't think I was worthy. Because the lies are easier to hear than beautiful words. But He tells me that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)."  I have been sinning by not accepting that truth. I have been sinning by being anxious to the point of having anxiety attacks and not truly bringing my fears to Him and handing them over "by prayer and petition (Phil 4:6)." Instead, I have been anxious about everything!  I have indadvertedly made myself number one instead of My Saviour. 

I am not number one. Jesus has proven this over and over to me throughout different challenges thrown at me during my life. Why I didn't cling to that during this challenge baffles me, because He is the greatest aspect of my life. He is Number One. Don't listen to the enemy in your struggles. I know it may be easier to hear, but it is far from the truth. Your Number One will provide for you. He will take care of you. He will make a way out for you. Don't cave in! This will be a daily struggle (as it is for me during this battle), but don't make yourself number one. He is your Number One. Listen to Him.