UPDATES!

So, after I hit the publish button on the last post, I received a lot of worried texts, emails, and calls. I think it sounded a lot more depressing than I actually am! So, to clear the air, I really have enjoyed my time here in Baltimore. We've met amazing people through a fantastic church (little plug in for The Foundry) and my job at M.Power Yoga Studio. And I know these will be friendships unlike any others in my lifetime. We live within a 5 mile radius of all of our friends...maybe 6 or 7 for those alllll the way across the harbor (you really should live on the Canton side...but I digress). After we leave Baltimore, the chances of us living in a city are pretty slim unless we live in Europe one day. We also had our first baby with these friends, shared our fears and failures of raising a family, and truly helped carry burdens with these friends. When you live within such a short distance of your friends, you run into them by chance a lot more than normal.

One of my wisest friends, who I will call my Ruth (read Ruth's story in the Bible and you'll see why she'll always be my bestie), and I used to see each other every morning at 7 am, because we both walked our dogs in the same place even though we live 2 miles from one another. Then, the baby came along and time tables changed, but those precious 7 am moments, I'll never forget. I'll cherish the simple words, makeup-less faces, sometimes teary eyed mornings. We shared what God had been doing in our life, what we wanted Him to do in our life, how we were terrified of the unknown, and how we were sickened with the injustices. These morning times were something I looked forward to when I laid down at night, and something I know I'll never experience again.

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Hebrews 10:24-25

Kevin and I have also been blessed to have an amazing yoga studio so close to us that I also worked at! It was less than a mile from our house. Don't judge us, but we mainly drove there. You haven't truly experienced Baltimore until you do rooftop yoga on top of the Natty Boh Tower in the summer at M.Power Yoga Studio. You guys! It may be hot when there's no cloud coverage or wind blowing, but the views! The views! You can see all of Baltimore. You feel as if you're dancing in the clouds. We were able to truly get to know some great friends here as well. There were no false pretenses like in most work settings. But, when you wear spandex to work there can't be, I suppose! The owner and studio manager (some great friends) have expectations, of course, but they also want you to feel comfortable to be you. They want your creative side to flow with no dam to stop it! We will truly miss every single person there. 

Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.

1 Peter 3:8

And referring back to my last blog post, I still do feel like I wasted so many of my days here in Maryland. We first lived in Silver Spring in the middle of everything! We walked everywhere. And yet, there were some days where I stayed inside and talked to no one. I didn't want to be there. I wanted out. It didn't feel like home. It felt like a chore to be married and living where we were. I look back on this and realize, as well, that I was also learning to be a wife and live not as a single person, serving not only my needs but also Kevin's. (So, that could be another post!) Every time we moved to a different place in Maryland, my heart would grow a little harder towards this state. We couldn't afford anything we truly wanted, I wasn't moving any closer to my family, I had no close friends like in college, etc. It was tough! But, I don't think it's something unique that just I went through. I've heard from so many friends that they were lonely right out of college. They moved away from their home state, got married (or not), and had to make friends in a different way than we were used to doing. 

Moving forward is tough.  But..."There is no growth without change; there is no change without fear or loss; and there is no loss without pain." Rick Warren

I love that quote by Rick Warren. Change is gradual and slow and hurts sometimes...most of the times! But there is abundant learning we can do in the waiting and during that growth. I think that's why I feel like I wasted while living here. I didn't embrace the growth that was happening. I didn't completely surrender to God's plan for my life here. I surrendered a pinky toe here and thumbnail there, but I didn't dive in and fulfill my purpose while I was here.  It frustrates me when I think about all of the opportunities I missed to serve or be more involved with my community. But, there is still hope! I'm still living, right?! I can use this knowledge to still serve where we are going. I can truly surrender to my purpose for this life here on earth.

 "Victory comes through surrender...Surrender is not the best way to live; it is the only way to live. Nothing else works. All other approaches lead to frustration, disappointment, and self-destruction." Rick Warren

A short collection of memories in Baltimore...yes, most are of Hallen. You try having a cute kid and taking pictures of something other than them! 

Cousins!

Bests from The Foundry

Where our little love was born.

She showed us she knew how to take her diaper off....

Baby dedications with our best friends and their little boy.

Soul mates.

See...Hallen's not photogenic in every photo! These two could be brother and sister...although he was Hallen's first kiss :) 

She turned one here.

Some fun!

Taking a stroll in the neighborhood.

Comparing her at 3 days old and 1 year old!

This concrete jungle is our backyard. Comes complete with a real life train set.

The Big Gender Reveal

Since we found out that we were pregnant, we knew I knew that I wanted to get to know who ever was growing inside of me before he or she was born. Kevin on the other hand wanted it to be a surprise at first. I finally got him to come around (hey, this little one is growing inside of me, right) and join the good side.

After many people praying for us for over a year to be able to have children, we wanted the village who would raise this peanut to find out who they'd be raising at the same time as us! We had a gender reveal party.

The theme was bow or beau. My sister-in-law helped out tremendously. She made all the food for the girl's side of the table and I made everything for a little boy (since I thought that's what we were going to have for weeks and weeks). I also made little clips for everyone to wear on their clothes.
 I started out with stickers, since I couldn't find anything pre-made that I liked or cost effective for a budget! I found these at Target and knew I could do something with them.

Bow and "Beau" stickers

Next, I cut all those little funny squiggles out and hot glued them on to tiny little clothespins from the baby shower aisle at Party City. Pretty simple. The husband even helped me cut out a few of those hard to cut mustachios.

There's a bit of white on some of them, but I was pretty satisfied.

Modeling how to wear these clips!

So, all the guests that came picked up their little clothespin and then added a name to our baby name board...just incase we needed help from those clowns...

Not everyone added an idea, but we got some input

Unfortunately, I was too engrossed in the party to actually take pictures of the food. My sister-in-law took some, though. The spread was gorgeous. For the boy's side I made items that went along with the theme "slugs, snails, and puppy dog tails." There was dirt pudding, pigs in a blanket disguised as slugs with little antennas made of pretzels, veggie dip dyed blue, meatballs, a blue punch with frozen yogurt in it, and other miscellaneous things. The girl's side was themed "sugar, spice, and everything nice." Kelly did such a great job dipping pretzels, marshmallows and strawberries in white chocolate and then in pink sprinkles. There was also a pink punch, cookies, fruit, donuts, and milk in old fashioned milk bottles. Coordinating balloons on either side of the food were placed at the table as well. We also used leftover stickers for our Natty Boh (still in the bow/beau them...and hey, we live in Baltimore) beer.

One of my favorite decorations! Simple, but super cute

After mingling for a while, it was time to bite those tempting cupcakes sitting on their own table away from everything else. They were the "sacred food" that no one could touch until we said so! Felt a bit empowered by that idea....Actually, they were on a different table so no child would accidentally pick up a delicious looking cupcake and eat it :) 

Our cupcakes from Harris Teeter

We had no idea what we were having, remember. We dropped an envelope off at Harris Teeter entrusting them with this!

We all bit into them at the same time. 3-2-1...

It's a girl!!!!!!

Both Kevin and I were in complete shock! We both cried tears of joy. Tears of a new adventure. Tears of God's grace. Tears of a new story beginning. And again, my mom screamed (just like when she found out we were pregnant). It was such an amazing moment to have our support system around us while we were doing this. Not that it mattered if it were a bow or a beau, but really to tell everyone how much we love and thank them for their fervent prayers. To show them that God answered their prayers and ours. We have such a faithful community and a faithful God. Having children seems like such a given in this world, but it's not! And it should be celebrated, whether you struggled to conceive like us or had no problem at all. I'm still in awe of what God has given us. It's brought so much joy. 

Equipping and Scattering

There are two things that have truly allowed me to look past my circumstances that I'm going through right now and hold on to any sense of hope right now. One is our little puppy Zoe. I know I sound like a crazy cat lady, but it's amazing what an animal can do for your life. It's a little ball of therapy every time she comes to lay on my lap on her back just wanting to be cuddled and have her tummy scratched. She just needs to be touching you. Just your toe. (She's a lot like my husband in that way. It's made me be more receptive to his love language.)

The other is having deep, meaningful conversations with friends that will ask me challenging questions and help me with the challenging questions that I bring to the table. I got together with two of my best friends this past weekend. We see each other about once a month. There's so much laughter, great food, honesty, and good girl time that none of us ever get.

We don't have to put on a front with each other. There's no "trying to out-do" the other with our fashion sense or casserole dishes or home decorations. We really have developed the "come as you are" friendship. I hope everyone has this type of person in their life - whether it be one person or twenty. We've realized that we need to be intentional with our friendship, because we all live 30-45 minutes away from each other (depending on traffic in the DC/Baltimore area), so we can't just go over to each other's homes after a bad day at work. This week we talked about friendships and how we need women in our lives that are godly and able to steer us back on track when things get tough.

One of the girls told us that even her husband tells her that she's a better wife when she gets her girl time in! And it's so true. We've all heard it - our husbands cannot be our girlfriends. They absolutely cannot! And I don't think I realized that until all of my girlfriends lived too far away and all I had was my husband to talk with. I'd become emotional and upset, because he didn't understand where I was coming from and I was looking for a totally different response from him than what he gave me. This was the reality of the first 6-8 months of our marriage. Tough lessons to learn. A lot of blowing up, being angry for no reason, and just a general bad undertone hanging around in our marriage. Not that it was all bad. There were amazing parts! But, when I learned I needed my girlfriends, girls nights, and time to just talk with them, life became a little different. Kevin and I grew closer and so did God and I. It's funny how that happened.

And I'm scared now. Within the next year to year and a half, we might all be separated. They both talked about moving to two completely different parts of the country, because of their husbands' jobs, and I'll be here. I'm afraid of being lonely again. I'm afraid of not having meaningful relationships outside of mine and Kevin's. I'm afraid I'll have to start over. That's the hardest part - saying goodbye and starting fresh. But I know that whatever happens, God already knew it would come. He graciously gave me these ladies in a time of hopelessness and despair. He gives and takes away. I'm aware. I'm trusting and having faith that His plan is perfect for these women, their marriages, and myself. I'm trusting that all three of us were placed in this area at the same time for a specific reason. He's gearing us up for something bigger and better than we could ever imagine. I don't know if I'll ever fully be ready, but I know I'm going to do what He wants me to do. I know that the courage and bravery for Christ that each of us has gained from one another will help us when He scatters us.

In our new towns one day, we'll have new friendships. We'll have to start over. But I know we'll have good meals, lots of laughter, God-encouraging talks, and great girl time. I'll never quite be ready for these two precious ladies to leave my side, but I know they're equipped to do God's will where He's taking them. And so am I.

If...Then...?

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. 2 We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. 3 Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people;then you won’t become weary and give up. 4 After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin." Hebrews 12:1-3

Ponytails, yoga pants, and cups of coffee in hand. We were ready to hear from the LORD and triumph over this thing called life. Our souls aching and doubts lingering from years of seemingly unanswered prayer. We all knew there was only One Hope and Escape from all of this, but none of us seemed to be experiencing the freedom that His tattered body brought us years ago when He was nailed to the cross. It's difficult to understand everything about your Saviour when you've never seen Him. It's tremendously difficult to believe everything He says when you're all alone. There was so much unknown hurt and fear sitting in my friend's two-bedroom apartment this weekend when the three of us watched a conference from Austin, Texas called the IF Gathering. #IFGathering

The whole basis for this conference was "If Jesus is real, then what?" If Jesus isn't just some fairytale, crazy story, or super humanitarian, then what? It reminded me of Nicole Nordeman's song, "What if." It seemed to fit the theme of the conference.

What if you're right?
And he was just another nice guy
What if you're right?
What if it's true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it's true?

But what if you're wrong?
What if there's more?
What if there's hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He's more than enough?
What if it's love?

We heard from so many amazing speakers with wisdom beyond my years, but I'm not here to spotlight these women, because I know that's not what they would want me to write about. God's kingdom has grown so much bigger because of the work these women have done. The hungry are actually fed, the orphans are being taken in and shown love, women in sex trafficking are being shown that they are not a number, and they are worth far more than anyone on earth could ever pay their pimps. When I start to think about these absurdities and disgusting circumstances all over our world and right under our noses, I start to tremble. Why? I start to tremble, because I'm really not doing anything about it at all! At all! I'm not lifting one finger for God's kingdom. He tells us to feed the hungry. He brought me to a city where sometimes (if I'm being honest) I still kick and cry about living in, but it's a city with hundreds of hungry people holding little cardboard signs. I try to ignore every person, though, because God surely doesn't expect me to actually feed every single person in Baltimore. But why not?? If God is real, why can't this happen?! It only starts with one thing, right?

I am so furious with myself for living in my little box of hurt and not looking at the world of hurt around me. I think that I can't take care of others, because I'm having a hard time healing my wounds right now, but what if this is exactly what my soul is longing for? Is this what Jesus talks about in His Book? Is this how my soul will find rest this side of eternity? Is this the peace that Paul and other Biblical authors and modern day missionaries have found?

Baltimore isn't a city for the faint of heart. People question my husband and I on a daily basis of why we moved to Baltimore. My answer is because we could afford a house here. It's cheaper to live in Baltimore than the other counties around us. But what if that's not the reason. What if there's more than just a simple numbers game happening here? What if God strategically placed us here? Is that such a crazy thought? He placed us here in a city of hungry people, crying babies, single moms, drug dealing, crime infested streets, and very few Christian circles. I've been longing to move back to the south. Back to my safety. Back to the streets that don't have  a person with a cardboard message on every corner. Back to the streets without much traffic, low crime, more "love," and more churches.

We joke about first world problems so often. The jokes are funny. They really are. One that happened recently - my husband ate off of one plate and placed his plate along with his fork in the sink. He still had a bowl of bananas to finish, but went to the silverware drawer for another fork. I questioned him, "why are you getting another fork? You just had one." His answer, "Well...it's wet now." We laughed about it and summed that up as a first world problem. Because if that is our problem, we surely have too much. We are worried about a wet fork, and hundreds of Baltimorian residents are worried about where to sleep tonight. Is it going to dip below freezing? Am I going to get hypothermia? It's been such a cold winter that the homeless have been battling frost bite. They have had to have their fingers or toes amputated, because they didn't have anything or anywhere warm enough to stay. I think about the cold and I grab one of my 10 sweatshirts and the warmest blanket I have. Why have I not been concerned about people sleeping on the streets? It makes me sick to think about how wretched I have been. I haven't lifted a finger. I try not to even look at them while driving past them in my warm car. I have been dehumanizing these lovely people with cardboard words.

What if I began to help the hurting? What if we all began to help the hurting for Jesus' namesake? Then what would Baltimore or your city or a third world country look like? One of the women at the IF Gathering said that a burden is born from the intersection of hope and despair. What is your burden? What do you passionately care about? Who do you want to help? What makes you sick to your stomach? What causes you to stay up at night? This conference was exclusive to women, but I challenge men to think about this as well. Break free from your circle of comfort. It will be scary. I know it will be, because I'm scared just thinking about where this journey may take me and what will be asked of me to sacrifice. I'm scared of not knowing and not seeing a plan, because I like plans!

Pray. Be specific in your prayers. Become more in tune with hearing God's voice as inaudible as it may be to you. Find a group of Christians that can help you along in the race and ask hard questions; not just sit and giggle with you over coffee at brunch every week; not just study the Word with you; but actually act on what Jesus commands us to do. Go feed. Go comfort. Go clothe. Go love. Go hold. Go cry. Go listen. There are too many needs to stay seated in your oversized chair under your monogrammed blanket.

What if you took one step? Then what?