Our November Rainbow

There's been a little nugget of hope hiding away these past few months. I began with very little optimism, trying not to get attached to any ideas or future plans. Most days, I tried to push the notion of being pregnant again so quickly out of my head. What if it happened again? I couldn't lose two babies in a row. The pain would be too difficult.

A week before Father's Day, I innocently started taking pregnancy tests. It had been 5 weeks since our miscarriage, and I just wanted to see. The first one was the faintest positive. I had left it on the counter and walked out for a while. I started holding it up to every different type of light I could find. Could it be? Most likely, it was just left over hormones. I couldn't be pregnant so quickly. I rushed out of the house with Hallen to go buy 10 more tests...yes 10...you ladies who have been in the limbo stage of not knowing if you are or if you aren't know why I'd buy 10!

I didn't take them all at once. Only like two a day. Just to make sure. The lines kept getting darker and  darker. I didn't dare tell Kevin. I scheduled an appointment with my OB first. Went in two different days that week for blood draws. Sure enough, on Friday morning, I received the most unexpected phone call. "You're pregnant. Your levels went up. It's definitely not left over hormones from the last baby." I tried to contain my tears, because I was meeting up with friends, but I bawled like a baby to her, and told her she was an angel sent by God!

I decided to wait until Father's Day to tell Kevin the good news. After Hallen went to sleep, I handed him one last present. I'm sure he thought it was going to be something sexy, but low and behold it was a big box of 10 pregnancy tests!

We laid low on telling anyone for a long time. I wanted to make sure the pregnancy was progressing well. Right on the mark at nine weeks, we walked into church, and I went to the bathroom because I wasn't feeling quite right. Blood started rushing. Not a tiny little spot. Bright red blood covering everything. I rushed to Kevin and Hallen. I told him we had to go to the ER again immediately. Tears pouring down my face, trying not to look at anyone directly on the way out. I felt numb all over again. How could this be happening? And why? We were at the ER for hours. They took me back to have an ultrasound after about an hour and a half. The technician looked worried, but was so kind and gentle. After five seconds, she said, " I just want you to know that your baby has a heartbeat. You still have a baby." Just like when the nurse told me I was pregnant, I told this lady she was an angel. It was so hard to believe. It was nothing short of a miracle. God was telling me that He's protecting me. He always has and he was will. And in this moment, He was there. He was holding my baby and pumping blood through it's veins.

I did have one more episode of a giant bleed. I have what's called a subchorionic hemorrhage. The doctor said that it happens in so many pregnancies, but usually nothing comes of it. I was one of the lucky ones that got to see what can happen when something comes of it. I haven't bled in almost 6 weeks now, though, so I'm just now starting to get attached to this baby of ours. It's strange pretending that nothing is going on inside of your body; trying to block out emotions; holding back fears and hopes. It's something I really shouldn't do. There's joy in just being able to get pregnant, because I know that's not the case for so many. 

I'll be 19 weeks on Monday, so almost halfway through, or maybe more than halfway through if this one comes a little early like Hallen did. We're so thrilled to be announcing that we're having baby number two this February. A little miracle. 

Kevin felt the baby kick earlier this week, so I think that brought it even more to life. We both wanted to thank our friends and family who have been in constant prayer for us through our miscarriage and the scary times during this pregnancy. We have so much to be thankful for right now, and have no one to credit but our amazing Creator. 

A Baby

After writing about our miscarriage story two weeks ago, I couldn't have felt more loved by our friends, family, and people I've never met. It's still crazy to me that social media can reach so many people. These past couple months, I've felt God's presence more than ever. And when I really think about life's difficult situations, I know that's why we go through them. To feel closeness with our Creator; to feel cared for; to learn more about his goodness.

Hardships in life, whether short term or long term, can either draw you nearer to Him or push you further for him. My prayer for all of my dear brothers and sisters in Christ out there is that it would cause you to embrace Him. Sure, you're allowed to yell and scream at first. I know that's my first reaction! I even questioned God several times. But, wipe away my first layer of natural human defense, and then all I want to do is curl up in God's arms and let him wipe away my tears. I'm still   SO learning how to relinquish a sense of control and anxiety in my life due to life's unfortunate situations, but as long as I'm living and breathing, I am gifted every new day to learn how to cope and dwell more in Him than the world's hopes and promises.

A verse that is helping me through these anxiety provoking, wanting to control everything situations right now, is a very well known verse.

" ...all the days ordained for me were written in your book

    before one of them came to be."

He knows my steps, my thoughts, when I'll be sad, my everyday trials, my future, and what's holding me back from living wholly in the days he ordained for me. He used our little baby to teach us how to love, why we need Him more than anything else, and that we need to cling to each other as a married couple rather than always looking to devices or TV shows... There are so many lessons to be learned with our miscarriage. We're still learning new things daily. And the funny thing is, that's what Jesus was too. He was a little baby when the world first came to know him. He used a baby to change lives. He used a baby to save lost souls. He used a baby to heal broken relationships. He used a baby to change the course of history. He used a baby. Our Jesus. 

UPDATES!

So, after I hit the publish button on the last post, I received a lot of worried texts, emails, and calls. I think it sounded a lot more depressing than I actually am! So, to clear the air, I really have enjoyed my time here in Baltimore. We've met amazing people through a fantastic church (little plug in for The Foundry) and my job at M.Power Yoga Studio. And I know these will be friendships unlike any others in my lifetime. We live within a 5 mile radius of all of our friends...maybe 6 or 7 for those alllll the way across the harbor (you really should live on the Canton side...but I digress). After we leave Baltimore, the chances of us living in a city are pretty slim unless we live in Europe one day. We also had our first baby with these friends, shared our fears and failures of raising a family, and truly helped carry burdens with these friends. When you live within such a short distance of your friends, you run into them by chance a lot more than normal.

One of my wisest friends, who I will call my Ruth (read Ruth's story in the Bible and you'll see why she'll always be my bestie), and I used to see each other every morning at 7 am, because we both walked our dogs in the same place even though we live 2 miles from one another. Then, the baby came along and time tables changed, but those precious 7 am moments, I'll never forget. I'll cherish the simple words, makeup-less faces, sometimes teary eyed mornings. We shared what God had been doing in our life, what we wanted Him to do in our life, how we were terrified of the unknown, and how we were sickened with the injustices. These morning times were something I looked forward to when I laid down at night, and something I know I'll never experience again.

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Hebrews 10:24-25

Kevin and I have also been blessed to have an amazing yoga studio so close to us that I also worked at! It was less than a mile from our house. Don't judge us, but we mainly drove there. You haven't truly experienced Baltimore until you do rooftop yoga on top of the Natty Boh Tower in the summer at M.Power Yoga Studio. You guys! It may be hot when there's no cloud coverage or wind blowing, but the views! The views! You can see all of Baltimore. You feel as if you're dancing in the clouds. We were able to truly get to know some great friends here as well. There were no false pretenses like in most work settings. But, when you wear spandex to work there can't be, I suppose! The owner and studio manager (some great friends) have expectations, of course, but they also want you to feel comfortable to be you. They want your creative side to flow with no dam to stop it! We will truly miss every single person there. 

Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.

1 Peter 3:8

And referring back to my last blog post, I still do feel like I wasted so many of my days here in Maryland. We first lived in Silver Spring in the middle of everything! We walked everywhere. And yet, there were some days where I stayed inside and talked to no one. I didn't want to be there. I wanted out. It didn't feel like home. It felt like a chore to be married and living where we were. I look back on this and realize, as well, that I was also learning to be a wife and live not as a single person, serving not only my needs but also Kevin's. (So, that could be another post!) Every time we moved to a different place in Maryland, my heart would grow a little harder towards this state. We couldn't afford anything we truly wanted, I wasn't moving any closer to my family, I had no close friends like in college, etc. It was tough! But, I don't think it's something unique that just I went through. I've heard from so many friends that they were lonely right out of college. They moved away from their home state, got married (or not), and had to make friends in a different way than we were used to doing. 

Moving forward is tough.  But..."There is no growth without change; there is no change without fear or loss; and there is no loss without pain." Rick Warren

I love that quote by Rick Warren. Change is gradual and slow and hurts sometimes...most of the times! But there is abundant learning we can do in the waiting and during that growth. I think that's why I feel like I wasted while living here. I didn't embrace the growth that was happening. I didn't completely surrender to God's plan for my life here. I surrendered a pinky toe here and thumbnail there, but I didn't dive in and fulfill my purpose while I was here.  It frustrates me when I think about all of the opportunities I missed to serve or be more involved with my community. But, there is still hope! I'm still living, right?! I can use this knowledge to still serve where we are going. I can truly surrender to my purpose for this life here on earth.

 "Victory comes through surrender...Surrender is not the best way to live; it is the only way to live. Nothing else works. All other approaches lead to frustration, disappointment, and self-destruction." Rick Warren

A short collection of memories in Baltimore...yes, most are of Hallen. You try having a cute kid and taking pictures of something other than them! 

Cousins!

Bests from The Foundry

Where our little love was born.

She showed us she knew how to take her diaper off....

Baby dedications with our best friends and their little boy.

Soul mates.

See...Hallen's not photogenic in every photo! These two could be brother and sister...although he was Hallen's first kiss :) 

She turned one here.

Some fun!

Taking a stroll in the neighborhood.

Comparing her at 3 days old and 1 year old!

This concrete jungle is our backyard. Comes complete with a real life train set.

Wasted

I've wanted to move back down south for about four years now. That's the entire time I've been married. That's four years of living in a game of tug of war..."I live here, but I want to live THERE!" Four years of not being content. Four years of trying not to settle into my life. Four years of pretending I don't live in Maryland. Four years wasted.

Wasted.

We even own a home here now! And yet, part of me still isn't settled here in Charm City. I've met some of the sweetest, most genuine people I think I'll ever meet this side of Heaven. When I'm with our closest friends, I can sincerely say I have the feeling of "being at home." But when I'm surrounded by my four walls or out on a walk all alone with just the baby and the dog, I feel lonely, uneasy, and anxious. I have this feeling that I need to escape this city.

The more I think about this feeling, this overwhelming desire to flee, the more I realize that moving back to the south probably won't shake this feeling. It may for a few months or even years, but this feeling of not being home is because this earth is my temporary home, and my soul is begging for Heaven...the place where there is no sorrow and pain. There are days when I just have to speak the word "contentment" over and over in my head. I truly desire to to be like Paul in the Bible...content in every situation. Some days, I do find this peace and contentment. I find it when I know I'm truly resting in the LORD and casting my anxieties upon Him. It's so NOT easy for me to do! My human nature screams to be in control and have no one help me (Just ask my husband)! That's a whole other topic though!

When I think about the days wasted being discontent, I automatically get this feeling that something needs to change. I can't spend another four years daydreaming about the greener grass. I have to find joy in the here and now. I have to live out my purpose in this life while waiting for eternity with our sweet Heavenly Father. I'm still breathing for a reason. I am where I am at this very moment for a particular reason. It's not to fulfill my plans and dreams, but to know what His desires and plans are for me and pray that those become my passion and my drive.

Bonnet:Woven November Vest: Leluna Star Jumper: The Baby Bird Boutique Boots: Sweet 'n Swag

As Kevin and I move our little family down south in a few weeks, I pray that we will find what God has in mind for us down there. I pray that we avoid secluding ourselves in a big suburban neighborhood and remember that our neighbors are our neighbors for a reason. We are being relocated to Charlotte for a reason. And no matter where we live, our priority is still to fulfill God's purpose that He had in mind for us before He even created us.

Life Lately

Photos, photos, and more photos. If you've seen me lately, I've probably been holding my camera, standing near my camera, or wishing I had brought my camera with me! Having a baby (the cutest one, at that), has made me dive into a longtime desire of mine to learn more about photography. I want to learn how light works; how to make someone feel a certain emotion by looking at a still frame; capture those tiny, fleeting moments. It's been such a fun process learning a new skill over the past 8 months.
I still have an exorbitant amount of pieces to the puzzle to still put together, but discovering each new piece feels like I'm diving deeper and deeper into who I really am. I can't explain it without sounding like photography has become my religion...because that's definitely not the case. It's like I'm finally doing something with the gifts God gave me years and years ago. He gave me an eye for beauty and a heart that loves to see joy and express that joy in what I do.
I do have plans to start a small photography business-mainly natural lighting photography-mostly babies, maybe some fashion, engagement shoots, or maternity shoots. I desperately want others to have their favorite memories tucked away in their "treasure chest" for years to come. I've realized since becoming a mom that a moment is exactly that. It's a moment, never to happen again. And how special is it to be able to carry a certain memory with you forever, not only in your heart, but in your hands or on your wall?! I would love to be able to follow people for a day just in their normal routine, so that all of those little things you love can be kept in a still frame.
It's been really nice to have a willing subject at my side on a daily basis to practice on! Good thing she isn't camera shy, and will work for cookies so I don't go broke!

All of the photos below were taken on a Canon 7D, 50mm 1.4 lens

Hat: Grace and Grace Co Leg Warmers: Snugars Boots: Gracious May

Dress: Fancy Little Fox Shoes and Purse: Nixons Nook Bow: Ribbies Clippies