Crushing Idols

I know that every single parent out there will say the exact same thing and I've heard it 1,000 times, but pregnancy really does go by in the blink of an eye! I'll be 30 weeks tomorrow and I'm not sure where the past 30 weeks have gone. I just had my midwife appointment today and I was measuring 31 weeks. Little Peanut still has a strong heartbeat and she must have some long legs too!

I'm learning new things about her and what it means to nurture someone else whose life is dependent on mine daily. I guess the few years that we wanted to get pregnant and couldn't, I envied every pregnant belly that I crossed paths with and wondered when it'd be my time and why it couldn't be this very moment! Now, I know that it was because God wanted me to care for the little gal that's growing inside of me right now. And no matter the pain (ahem...the excruciating rib pain), I'll already do anything for her or say no to things I may have once said "yes" to, because her well-being is my number one priority.

And in the midst of caring for this little Peanut everyday and having her on my mind every second, I realize that it's not the big picture. The big picture is still Jesus. It's not that my journey in the valley is over and I'm free from pain and suffering (hellllo labor pains...just kidding...well, partly). The point is that this miracle should be pointing me more and more towards my Creator and some days, regardless of seeing the miracle, I forget that this child is about Him. It's to show me His love, His mercy, His grace, His unfathomable care for me as His child.

I, as a mother-to-be, should imitate His unconditional love for this child He's knitting together in my womb. Of course I'll make mistakes and embarrass the heck out of her at times, but I need my eyes on the bigger picture and not just the miracle. The miracle is ... well... a miracle and an amazing one at that! But, if I take my eyes off of Him and just focus on this miracle, the miracle will become my idol. An idol is something I definitely do not want to show my daughter. I've made too many in my life! She'll make mistakes and make her own, but I need her to see that Jesus is the only one who is precious and worthy enough to be made our idol. My prayer is that my idols fall like the leaves off the trees. Let them wither and be crushed under my foot. This isn't a time I need to be letting idols of everything baby and parenting into my life. It's a time when I need to surrender and call out to God on a daily basis for His help and wisdom.

In 10 weeks, one of my biggest challenges (dare I say the biggest) will enter my life and I need to be on a solid foundation. For myself. For my husband. For our marriage. For our daughter.

                                                                             

And a few pictures to update you guys on this little gal's progress!

Nursery Beginnings

Since finding out about the precious little girl we had coming this December, I immediately started planning for her. The first stop was a couple of cute outfits. The next was obviously her nursery! Her room that she'd grow into. I didn't want it to be overloaded with little girl type decorations that we all see at the big baby stores...you know...butterflies and flowers that smile back at you....caterpillars and forest creatures with high arched eyebrows and giant smiling teeth. That's just not my style! I like elegant, rustic, and chic. And baby Williams' nursery is no exception.

The first thing we did was paint her nursery a sweet peachy pink. It's a super light neutral, but a nice subtle "girl." I had several of my good friends from church come over in the middle of the day and help paint. We were done in two hours! Our Baltimore community is amazing to be a part of.

Next, we needed furniture. Have you seen the prices for furniture in the baby retail stores, though? It's more than we paid for our own furniture. $800 for a crib?? She won't sleep in it long enough to make it worth it. Luckily, we got a really nice Pottery Barn crib for free from another truly generous family in our church community. The crib is  a creamy white, so that's what we wanted out furniture to be as well. Striking up lucky once again, Kevin's parents still had his baby furniture!! How cool is that? Solid furniture that has been kept in nice condition. We went immediately to Home Depot and bought some white spray paint. I'll tell you the truth - I don't loooove painting furniture, so I thought spray painting would be easier. We bought Rustoleum's Antique White and covered all 3 pieces after lightly sanding them down with sanding blocks. (I actually stayed far from the spray paint and just watched the hubs spray away). We both noticed there were a few splotches that probably wouldn't have been there if we painted instead of sprayed, but he evened it out as best as he could with a second coat. 

The beginning with sanding

Drawers up close.

Already in my mask, realizing this is not a good idea for my lungs and the two lungs growing inside of me.

Starting the paint 

Splotchiness after the first coat...kind of nervous at this point!

After spraying the two coats of paint, we took these back to our house to put the sealer on. We sealed the furniture two days later since we had an extra day thanks to Labor Day! We went through 8 cans of white spray paint and two cans of sealer, so it cost about $40 in all. We also bought another can of hammered gold to use on the handles, but didn't use it all.

Second coat done! The vanilla color we were looking for :)

I couldn't wait to put these in baby William's room. I was ready to see the finished look (although it's still far from finished). I also wanted to organize all the cute little clothes we'd gotten for her. Finally, after spraying the drawer pulls, the room looked a slightly more pulled together. 

Tall dresser

Smaller dresser/changing table. Also, the peachy pink wall color!

Hammered gold knobs

Nightstand/Reading corner.

I will definitely show more pictures and how-tos of all of the DIY things we're doing in her sweet little room. The colors of the room are going to be the peachy pink, gold, and a vintage teal. Very girly, but not over the top with butterflies and smiling sunshines! It's something that I'll love walking into every time I rock her to sleep, read her a book, and play games with her. It's also something she can grow into as the next few years go by.

The Big Gender Reveal

Since we found out that we were pregnant, we knew I knew that I wanted to get to know who ever was growing inside of me before he or she was born. Kevin on the other hand wanted it to be a surprise at first. I finally got him to come around (hey, this little one is growing inside of me, right) and join the good side.

After many people praying for us for over a year to be able to have children, we wanted the village who would raise this peanut to find out who they'd be raising at the same time as us! We had a gender reveal party.

The theme was bow or beau. My sister-in-law helped out tremendously. She made all the food for the girl's side of the table and I made everything for a little boy (since I thought that's what we were going to have for weeks and weeks). I also made little clips for everyone to wear on their clothes.
 I started out with stickers, since I couldn't find anything pre-made that I liked or cost effective for a budget! I found these at Target and knew I could do something with them.

Bow and "Beau" stickers

Next, I cut all those little funny squiggles out and hot glued them on to tiny little clothespins from the baby shower aisle at Party City. Pretty simple. The husband even helped me cut out a few of those hard to cut mustachios.

There's a bit of white on some of them, but I was pretty satisfied.

Modeling how to wear these clips!

So, all the guests that came picked up their little clothespin and then added a name to our baby name board...just incase we needed help from those clowns...

Not everyone added an idea, but we got some input

Unfortunately, I was too engrossed in the party to actually take pictures of the food. My sister-in-law took some, though. The spread was gorgeous. For the boy's side I made items that went along with the theme "slugs, snails, and puppy dog tails." There was dirt pudding, pigs in a blanket disguised as slugs with little antennas made of pretzels, veggie dip dyed blue, meatballs, a blue punch with frozen yogurt in it, and other miscellaneous things. The girl's side was themed "sugar, spice, and everything nice." Kelly did such a great job dipping pretzels, marshmallows and strawberries in white chocolate and then in pink sprinkles. There was also a pink punch, cookies, fruit, donuts, and milk in old fashioned milk bottles. Coordinating balloons on either side of the food were placed at the table as well. We also used leftover stickers for our Natty Boh (still in the bow/beau them...and hey, we live in Baltimore) beer.

One of my favorite decorations! Simple, but super cute

After mingling for a while, it was time to bite those tempting cupcakes sitting on their own table away from everything else. They were the "sacred food" that no one could touch until we said so! Felt a bit empowered by that idea....Actually, they were on a different table so no child would accidentally pick up a delicious looking cupcake and eat it :) 

Our cupcakes from Harris Teeter

We had no idea what we were having, remember. We dropped an envelope off at Harris Teeter entrusting them with this!

We all bit into them at the same time. 3-2-1...

It's a girl!!!!!!

Both Kevin and I were in complete shock! We both cried tears of joy. Tears of a new adventure. Tears of God's grace. Tears of a new story beginning. And again, my mom screamed (just like when she found out we were pregnant). It was such an amazing moment to have our support system around us while we were doing this. Not that it mattered if it were a bow or a beau, but really to tell everyone how much we love and thank them for their fervent prayers. To show them that God answered their prayers and ours. We have such a faithful community and a faithful God. Having children seems like such a given in this world, but it's not! And it should be celebrated, whether you struggled to conceive like us or had no problem at all. I'm still in awe of what God has given us. It's brought so much joy. 

Looong Time No See

So...This post is looong overdue. I'll cut straight to the point, so there's no wondering. Since my last post in March, we became pregnant!! We found out April 2. A day I'll never forget. That night, we went ahead and shared the news with Kevin's parents and sister. We had a nice dinner out with them celebrating their anniversary, so nothing was suspected. We gave them a bottle of wine with an Easter egg tied around the top. Kevin's dad politely said, "thanks." So, we had to nudge the two of them to open the egg. Inside was a pacifier that said "coming December 2014." His mom screamed and his dad was thrilled. Our little nephew at the table was still a bit confused, but he's definitely come around!

Then, that weekend we already had a trip planned to see my parents in South Carolina. Totally unsuspicious. We packed them a little gift bag with two Easter eggs. One saying, "you'll need this soon..." and other saying "this big." The first one had a pacifier just as Kevin's parents' egg. The other was filled with poppy seeds, because at that time baby Williams was only a speck! My mom doubled over in tears and excitement. My dad smiled and congratulated with warm hugs!

It was such a great experience. That first trimester was tough, though. And I'm not talking morning sickness! I actually never had one funny feeling (thank the Lord). I was terrified of losing this little person we had just created. Around 10 weeks, my cousin gave me a used heart rate doppler. I cannot tell you how many times that little piece of technology put my mind at ease. It was definitely three months of fully trusting the Lord with what He had blessed us with.

The first stick! Taken at 5:30am. In shock.

First belly picture!

How "big" our little peanut was on that day.

Just wanted to see it written out...insurance :)

And the first picture of our little peanut. God is good.

Now, at 6 months pregnant, we've found out we're expecting a baby girl on December 4th! She's starting to kick, and play, and has already found my ribs (yes, they are bruised). We're thinking she may be a soccer player! 

From that little peanut to the 2 pound girl she is now....

12 weeks

13 weeks

14 weeks

15 weeks

16 weeks

17 weeks

18 weeks (in Paris)

19 weeks

20 weeks (gender reveal party!)

21 weeks

22 weeks

23 weeks

24 weeks

25 weeks

26 weeks

And we're 27 weeks tomorrow! Throughout these past weeks, we've put the size of the baby (compared to a fruit or veggie), length, weight, weeks, and milestones (which I don't think you can see from the pictures). It's been crazy watching the bump grow. I can't wait to show her one day!

This is the little face I keep in my heart and mind until the cold day she decides to make her entrance...

Love that sweet little peanut

Equipping and Scattering

There are two things that have truly allowed me to look past my circumstances that I'm going through right now and hold on to any sense of hope right now. One is our little puppy Zoe. I know I sound like a crazy cat lady, but it's amazing what an animal can do for your life. It's a little ball of therapy every time she comes to lay on my lap on her back just wanting to be cuddled and have her tummy scratched. She just needs to be touching you. Just your toe. (She's a lot like my husband in that way. It's made me be more receptive to his love language.)

The other is having deep, meaningful conversations with friends that will ask me challenging questions and help me with the challenging questions that I bring to the table. I got together with two of my best friends this past weekend. We see each other about once a month. There's so much laughter, great food, honesty, and good girl time that none of us ever get.

We don't have to put on a front with each other. There's no "trying to out-do" the other with our fashion sense or casserole dishes or home decorations. We really have developed the "come as you are" friendship. I hope everyone has this type of person in their life - whether it be one person or twenty. We've realized that we need to be intentional with our friendship, because we all live 30-45 minutes away from each other (depending on traffic in the DC/Baltimore area), so we can't just go over to each other's homes after a bad day at work. This week we talked about friendships and how we need women in our lives that are godly and able to steer us back on track when things get tough.

One of the girls told us that even her husband tells her that she's a better wife when she gets her girl time in! And it's so true. We've all heard it - our husbands cannot be our girlfriends. They absolutely cannot! And I don't think I realized that until all of my girlfriends lived too far away and all I had was my husband to talk with. I'd become emotional and upset, because he didn't understand where I was coming from and I was looking for a totally different response from him than what he gave me. This was the reality of the first 6-8 months of our marriage. Tough lessons to learn. A lot of blowing up, being angry for no reason, and just a general bad undertone hanging around in our marriage. Not that it was all bad. There were amazing parts! But, when I learned I needed my girlfriends, girls nights, and time to just talk with them, life became a little different. Kevin and I grew closer and so did God and I. It's funny how that happened.

And I'm scared now. Within the next year to year and a half, we might all be separated. They both talked about moving to two completely different parts of the country, because of their husbands' jobs, and I'll be here. I'm afraid of being lonely again. I'm afraid of not having meaningful relationships outside of mine and Kevin's. I'm afraid I'll have to start over. That's the hardest part - saying goodbye and starting fresh. But I know that whatever happens, God already knew it would come. He graciously gave me these ladies in a time of hopelessness and despair. He gives and takes away. I'm aware. I'm trusting and having faith that His plan is perfect for these women, their marriages, and myself. I'm trusting that all three of us were placed in this area at the same time for a specific reason. He's gearing us up for something bigger and better than we could ever imagine. I don't know if I'll ever fully be ready, but I know I'm going to do what He wants me to do. I know that the courage and bravery for Christ that each of us has gained from one another will help us when He scatters us.

In our new towns one day, we'll have new friendships. We'll have to start over. But I know we'll have good meals, lots of laughter, God-encouraging talks, and great girl time. I'll never quite be ready for these two precious ladies to leave my side, but I know they're equipped to do God's will where He's taking them. And so am I.

I Doubt It

The Lord replied: “Look, and be amazed! You will be astounded at what I am about to do! For I am going to do something in your own lifetime that you will have to see to believe.” Habakkuk 1:5

There are so many doubts in our lives that crowd out any sort of hope. Especially us women as believers! I do it almost every day. I doubted myself able to do something today! Whether I can actually accomplish it is yet to be seen, but before I even set out to do it, I told myself I could not possibly do this task. I even told someone else I couldn't do it. There was no way that little ol' me could do something I never thought myself able. You might have already told yourself "no" today too. Why? If it was just the complete opposite - if we were sitting in opposing chairs - you and I would never say, "Nope. Ya can't do it. You're right. You aren't good enough. There is no way you could do this with your hot mess of a life and all the skills your lacking." That would take a cruel, cruel heart, and dear, I don't think you have one of those.

We're setting ourselves up for failure with these doubts we keep speaking to ourselves. And this is before we even take one step into something that might be beautiful! It could be dirty, messy, and a little ugly too, but the fruit it will produce might be more than you could have ever dream of before. You may not see the fruit of your work until your final breath. You may not even see it on this side of eternity. But, my friend, be very prepared. Pack your bags, wipe your tears, and praise the LORD for what He will accomplish with your life. Say "yes" to whatever He is telling you. Say "yes" to that little nudge you feel. It will be the most important decision in your lifetime. Don't doubt yourself, because you may not hear that subtle whisper or feel that subtle nudge. If you doubt yourself, the most exciting ride of your lifetime could be filled with anxiety, fear, and constant wonder about what you're supposed to do in your life!

Open your eyes. Clear your mind of your usual thoughts of who you are. Look at what the LORD says about you:

• Overcomer: 1 John 4:4
• Wonderfully made: Psalm 139:13-14, Ephesians 2:10
• Loved: John 3:16
• Child of God: Galatians 3:26
• Beloved: Song of Solomon 6:3
• A Temple: 1 Corinthians 3:16
• Forgiven & Righteous: 1 John 1:9

This is just a glimpse into the person that God made you and I into when He breathed life in our lungs. You and I are these things and so much more. Be amazed at what He can do in your life! You may be going through difficult, treacherous, barely able to move moments right now, but don't let these conditions become your destiny. Your LORD in Heaven is doing something amazing because of these circumstances, because of your dispositions. So praise Him for that! You are unlike any other man or woman on this planet!

Other versions of Habakkuk 1:5 say, "...something you wouldn't believe even if someone told you about it." That's what my thoughts are like when someone tells me something crazy or far fetched. I don't believe them. I laugh in their faces. We would do the same to God if He were to reveal His plans to us. So, perhaps it's time to sincerely believe Him for who He is and who you are in Him. Leave your control at His feet.I know that's tough, ladies...I'm still working on it too. 

If...Then...?

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. 2 We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. 3 Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people;then you won’t become weary and give up. 4 After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin." Hebrews 12:1-3

Ponytails, yoga pants, and cups of coffee in hand. We were ready to hear from the LORD and triumph over this thing called life. Our souls aching and doubts lingering from years of seemingly unanswered prayer. We all knew there was only One Hope and Escape from all of this, but none of us seemed to be experiencing the freedom that His tattered body brought us years ago when He was nailed to the cross. It's difficult to understand everything about your Saviour when you've never seen Him. It's tremendously difficult to believe everything He says when you're all alone. There was so much unknown hurt and fear sitting in my friend's two-bedroom apartment this weekend when the three of us watched a conference from Austin, Texas called the IF Gathering. #IFGathering

The whole basis for this conference was "If Jesus is real, then what?" If Jesus isn't just some fairytale, crazy story, or super humanitarian, then what? It reminded me of Nicole Nordeman's song, "What if." It seemed to fit the theme of the conference.

What if you're right?
And he was just another nice guy
What if you're right?
What if it's true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it's true?

But what if you're wrong?
What if there's more?
What if there's hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He's more than enough?
What if it's love?

We heard from so many amazing speakers with wisdom beyond my years, but I'm not here to spotlight these women, because I know that's not what they would want me to write about. God's kingdom has grown so much bigger because of the work these women have done. The hungry are actually fed, the orphans are being taken in and shown love, women in sex trafficking are being shown that they are not a number, and they are worth far more than anyone on earth could ever pay their pimps. When I start to think about these absurdities and disgusting circumstances all over our world and right under our noses, I start to tremble. Why? I start to tremble, because I'm really not doing anything about it at all! At all! I'm not lifting one finger for God's kingdom. He tells us to feed the hungry. He brought me to a city where sometimes (if I'm being honest) I still kick and cry about living in, but it's a city with hundreds of hungry people holding little cardboard signs. I try to ignore every person, though, because God surely doesn't expect me to actually feed every single person in Baltimore. But why not?? If God is real, why can't this happen?! It only starts with one thing, right?

I am so furious with myself for living in my little box of hurt and not looking at the world of hurt around me. I think that I can't take care of others, because I'm having a hard time healing my wounds right now, but what if this is exactly what my soul is longing for? Is this what Jesus talks about in His Book? Is this how my soul will find rest this side of eternity? Is this the peace that Paul and other Biblical authors and modern day missionaries have found?

Baltimore isn't a city for the faint of heart. People question my husband and I on a daily basis of why we moved to Baltimore. My answer is because we could afford a house here. It's cheaper to live in Baltimore than the other counties around us. But what if that's not the reason. What if there's more than just a simple numbers game happening here? What if God strategically placed us here? Is that such a crazy thought? He placed us here in a city of hungry people, crying babies, single moms, drug dealing, crime infested streets, and very few Christian circles. I've been longing to move back to the south. Back to my safety. Back to the streets that don't have  a person with a cardboard message on every corner. Back to the streets without much traffic, low crime, more "love," and more churches.

We joke about first world problems so often. The jokes are funny. They really are. One that happened recently - my husband ate off of one plate and placed his plate along with his fork in the sink. He still had a bowl of bananas to finish, but went to the silverware drawer for another fork. I questioned him, "why are you getting another fork? You just had one." His answer, "Well...it's wet now." We laughed about it and summed that up as a first world problem. Because if that is our problem, we surely have too much. We are worried about a wet fork, and hundreds of Baltimorian residents are worried about where to sleep tonight. Is it going to dip below freezing? Am I going to get hypothermia? It's been such a cold winter that the homeless have been battling frost bite. They have had to have their fingers or toes amputated, because they didn't have anything or anywhere warm enough to stay. I think about the cold and I grab one of my 10 sweatshirts and the warmest blanket I have. Why have I not been concerned about people sleeping on the streets? It makes me sick to think about how wretched I have been. I haven't lifted a finger. I try not to even look at them while driving past them in my warm car. I have been dehumanizing these lovely people with cardboard words.

What if I began to help the hurting? What if we all began to help the hurting for Jesus' namesake? Then what would Baltimore or your city or a third world country look like? One of the women at the IF Gathering said that a burden is born from the intersection of hope and despair. What is your burden? What do you passionately care about? Who do you want to help? What makes you sick to your stomach? What causes you to stay up at night? This conference was exclusive to women, but I challenge men to think about this as well. Break free from your circle of comfort. It will be scary. I know it will be, because I'm scared just thinking about where this journey may take me and what will be asked of me to sacrifice. I'm scared of not knowing and not seeing a plan, because I like plans!

Pray. Be specific in your prayers. Become more in tune with hearing God's voice as inaudible as it may be to you. Find a group of Christians that can help you along in the race and ask hard questions; not just sit and giggle with you over coffee at brunch every week; not just study the Word with you; but actually act on what Jesus commands us to do. Go feed. Go comfort. Go clothe. Go love. Go hold. Go cry. Go listen. There are too many needs to stay seated in your oversized chair under your monogrammed blanket.

What if you took one step? Then what?