There's been a little nugget of hope hiding away these past few months. I began with very little optimism, trying not to get attached to any ideas or future plans. Most days, I tried to push the notion of being pregnant again so quickly out of my head. What if it happened again? I couldn't lose two babies in a row. The pain would be too difficult.
A week before Father's Day, I innocently started taking pregnancy tests. It had been 5 weeks since our miscarriage, and I just wanted to see. The first one was the faintest positive. I had left it on the counter and walked out for a while. I started holding it up to every different type of light I could find. Could it be? Most likely, it was just left over hormones. I couldn't be pregnant so quickly. I rushed out of the house with Hallen to go buy 10 more tests...yes 10...you ladies who have been in the limbo stage of not knowing if you are or if you aren't know why I'd buy 10!
I didn't take them all at once. Only like two a day. Just to make sure. The lines kept getting darker and darker. I didn't dare tell Kevin. I scheduled an appointment with my OB first. Went in two different days that week for blood draws. Sure enough, on Friday morning, I received the most unexpected phone call. "You're pregnant. Your levels went up. It's definitely not left over hormones from the last baby." I tried to contain my tears, because I was meeting up with friends, but I bawled like a baby to her, and told her she was an angel sent by God!
I decided to wait until Father's Day to tell Kevin the good news. After Hallen went to sleep, I handed him one last present. I'm sure he thought it was going to be something sexy, but low and behold it was a big box of 10 pregnancy tests!
We laid low on telling anyone for a long time. I wanted to make sure the pregnancy was progressing well. Right on the mark at nine weeks, we walked into church, and I went to the bathroom because I wasn't feeling quite right. Blood started rushing. Not a tiny little spot. Bright red blood covering everything. I rushed to Kevin and Hallen. I told him we had to go to the ER again immediately. Tears pouring down my face, trying not to look at anyone directly on the way out. I felt numb all over again. How could this be happening? And why? We were at the ER for hours. They took me back to have an ultrasound after about an hour and a half. The technician looked worried, but was so kind and gentle. After five seconds, she said, " I just want you to know that your baby has a heartbeat. You still have a baby." Just like when the nurse told me I was pregnant, I told this lady she was an angel. It was so hard to believe. It was nothing short of a miracle. God was telling me that He's protecting me. He always has and he was will. And in this moment, He was there. He was holding my baby and pumping blood through it's veins.
I did have one more episode of a giant bleed. I have what's called a subchorionic hemorrhage. The doctor said that it happens in so many pregnancies, but usually nothing comes of it. I was one of the lucky ones that got to see what can happen when something comes of it. I haven't bled in almost 6 weeks now, though, so I'm just now starting to get attached to this baby of ours. It's strange pretending that nothing is going on inside of your body; trying to block out emotions; holding back fears and hopes. It's something I really shouldn't do. There's joy in just being able to get pregnant, because I know that's not the case for so many.
I'll be 19 weeks on Monday, so almost halfway through, or maybe more than halfway through if this one comes a little early like Hallen did. We're so thrilled to be announcing that we're having baby number two this February. A little miracle.
Kevin felt the baby kick earlier this week, so I think that brought it even more to life. We both wanted to thank our friends and family who have been in constant prayer for us through our miscarriage and the scary times during this pregnancy. We have so much to be thankful for right now, and have no one to credit but our amazing Creator.
