I Love You, My Darling.

I didn't know if I'd write about this so soon or ever write it really. Something so personal and dear to my heart. But, I feel like the more I write about it, the more I may heal. It may even be healing for someone else going through the same thing.

Ever since Hallen was born, I was ready for her to be a big sister. I know that's a BIG statement, but it's the truth. I wanted ten little Hallen's running around and calling me mommy. After we started trying for number two, I got pregnant in four months. It seemed like such a long and such a short waiting period all at the same time. I was nervous it would take another two years like it did with Hallen, but four months seemed like a breeze once I finally got the positive!

Of course, I was nervous, just like every woman in her first trimester, but we decided to tell friends in Baltimore since we were moving away so soon. So, we announced it at a little going away party. Everyone was thrilled, and we were thrilled that we could tell them They had prayed for Hallen and they had prayed for this little nugget too.

Two weeks after we moved to Charlotte, I just felt like something wasn't right. You might call it a mother's instinct. And I didn't have an appointment lined up for another few weeks, so we went to the ER on a Saturday morning for two hours of tests and ultrasounds.  When the doctor came in, I immediately started crying. His face was so sad and distraught. His eyes were trying to dam up his own tears as he found the words to tell us our little angel was actually an angel. She had left this world a couple weeks before. I don't even remember any words after that. I'm not sure how we made it back to our car. The world seemed fuzzy and my body was faint.

It was Mother's Day weekend, and I felt like my body had failed me as a mother. It was Mother's Day weekend, and I knew I'd never get to rock this baby. It was Mother's Day weekend, and all I could do was cry, hugging my stomach. Why had the Lord let this happen? And why on Mother's Day weekend of all weekends? I couldn't wrap my head around something so dreadful on such a beautiful day. This wasn't supposed to be part of our story! Infertility was our story - not miscarriage! I didn't know how to walk down this path.

The hospital arranged my appointment with an OB that Monday. I went to see him, had another ultrasound, hoping that they'd pick up a heartbeat today. Maybe today her little heart would start beating. Maybe Saturday was just too early or a bad dream. Maybe they had old ultrasound machines. Maybe God would perform a miracle! But, you living on this earth wasn't a miracle He was going to perform. When the ultrasound machine turned on, she looked so perfect and peaceful. There was a little body with two little buds for arms, two little buds for legs, and her precious little face. She was beautiful. The tech tried to make it as short as possible as she saw tears stream down my face. Hallen was watching the monitor in her stroller, and even her little jumbled up words sounded like she was trying to tell me that we'd be okay; that there is still a purpose for her life.  These tears of tragedy would be turned into tears of praise.

This little butterfly romper is part of Little Lake Thread's new Rainbow Baby line. Part of the proceeds go to a different organization each month for newborn losses, stillborns, or miscarriages. And because of this little baby who we won't meet for quite some time, now, will make us part of that rainbow baby family whenever another decides to come along!

My surgery was set up for the next day. All of this was going so quickly. Knowing I'd only get 24 more hours with this little baby in my womb stung like a bee on a hot July day. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I wasn't ready to let go of all these hopes and dreams I had for her. I wasn't ready to be cut off from her. I wasn't ready for this new reality.

But, this is our reality. This is our life. This is our story. I'll never know the exact moment her heart stopped beating inside of my womb; the place that was made to keep her safe and comfortable until November. You weren't a mistake; there was nothing wrong with you as some people awkwardly say when trying to fill the silence and comfort us. Our hearts aren't better off because you were taken early. But, my Darling, you have changed our lives forever and for better. Just having your brief presence in our lives was better than nothing at all. As much hurt that is still inside of my body and heart, I know that you were meant to just be a part of our lives for a short time. And now we have a little angel watching over us.

"You still had a purpose. Something to teach your father and me. Our pastor in Charlotte said something that resonated with your death. "Maybe your troubles or hard times are to help serve someone else. Your life is bigger than just you!" And, you, Darling, are just that. Your blueberry sized life wasn't made in vain. Those 8 weeks were purposeful. And that has to be my mantra to make it through some days. I know the Lord is rocking you on His lap in his rocking chair just listening to those sweet baby coos and wiping the drool off of your chin.

I know you're much better off where you are now, but how I wish I could kiss your soft, plump cheeks; count your fingers and toes before you lie down each night; nurse you to comfort. I wish I could hear your voice say my name as you grow; play with Hallen; and hear your giggles. I wish I could kiss your first boo boo and hear about your first crush. I wish I could see what a strong person you'd become as you grow. But, my Darling, our time on earth together has ended, so now my wishes have to change. I cannot wait for you to meet me and your daddy at Heaven's gates one day and tell me how glorious your days in Heaven have been. How amazing is it that you will never have hurts and sorrow. Darling, you were created so that we can keep pressing on through this life with a driven purpose. We choose joy instead of sorrow and praise instead of condemnation.  We'll love you for eternity and more. "

Love,

Mommy, Daddy, and big sister Hallen 

Bee Mine Sunshine Giveaway

I've got some really exciting news that I can't wait to share with you! We're lucky enough to team up with a great shop to give you something that you'll love and cherish on your little mini me! Bee Mine Sunshine makes adorable women's and children's wear. They started their brand to bring moms and daughters closer. They wanted to enhance and embrace that special bond that we have with our little babes. I love that it's a one stop shop, AND Hallen and I can even share most of their head wraps! I'd call that a win. 

Hallen wears her Bee Mine Sunshine bloomers and headbands all the time, and people just stop her in the street to say how adorable her little outfit is! Even with the cute factor and great quality aside, I love when she wears their pieces, because I know I'm supporting other moms. I'm a huge believer in shopping small, because I like to see people flourish in their God given talents. When I first "met" the ladies of Bee Mine Sunshine, I fell in love with their sweet personalities, hearts, and style of their shop. I know you'll love to see your little one walking around in their sweet bloomers too. 

One of my main concerns for Hallen's clothing is for her to still be a able to move around and play in whatever she's wearing, and I just ask for an easy diaper change! I'm happy to report that both of these requirements are met with their brand ;-)

So...the giveaway!! This is your lucky chance to win a pair of bloomers of your choice OR receive $26 shop credit. That means, even boy moms need to enter this one since there are some amazing mom pieces they have! 

All you have to do for a chance to win is like this post on both Instagram accounts @beeminesunshine and @hallen.amelie AND follow both of us. If you'd like an EXTRA entry, you can comment on this blog post with your favorite pattern from their shop that you'd love to win. 

This contest will begin May 25th and end May 28th at midnight EST. This contest is in no way endorsed or sponsored by Blogger or Instagram. To enter you must be 18 years of age or older and live in the US. 

If you happen to be in the Cincinnati or Columbus, OH area you can actually meet them this market season! You can check out their show schedule here. 

UPDATES!

So, after I hit the publish button on the last post, I received a lot of worried texts, emails, and calls. I think it sounded a lot more depressing than I actually am! So, to clear the air, I really have enjoyed my time here in Baltimore. We've met amazing people through a fantastic church (little plug in for The Foundry) and my job at M.Power Yoga Studio. And I know these will be friendships unlike any others in my lifetime. We live within a 5 mile radius of all of our friends...maybe 6 or 7 for those alllll the way across the harbor (you really should live on the Canton side...but I digress). After we leave Baltimore, the chances of us living in a city are pretty slim unless we live in Europe one day. We also had our first baby with these friends, shared our fears and failures of raising a family, and truly helped carry burdens with these friends. When you live within such a short distance of your friends, you run into them by chance a lot more than normal.

One of my wisest friends, who I will call my Ruth (read Ruth's story in the Bible and you'll see why she'll always be my bestie), and I used to see each other every morning at 7 am, because we both walked our dogs in the same place even though we live 2 miles from one another. Then, the baby came along and time tables changed, but those precious 7 am moments, I'll never forget. I'll cherish the simple words, makeup-less faces, sometimes teary eyed mornings. We shared what God had been doing in our life, what we wanted Him to do in our life, how we were terrified of the unknown, and how we were sickened with the injustices. These morning times were something I looked forward to when I laid down at night, and something I know I'll never experience again.

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Hebrews 10:24-25

Kevin and I have also been blessed to have an amazing yoga studio so close to us that I also worked at! It was less than a mile from our house. Don't judge us, but we mainly drove there. You haven't truly experienced Baltimore until you do rooftop yoga on top of the Natty Boh Tower in the summer at M.Power Yoga Studio. You guys! It may be hot when there's no cloud coverage or wind blowing, but the views! The views! You can see all of Baltimore. You feel as if you're dancing in the clouds. We were able to truly get to know some great friends here as well. There were no false pretenses like in most work settings. But, when you wear spandex to work there can't be, I suppose! The owner and studio manager (some great friends) have expectations, of course, but they also want you to feel comfortable to be you. They want your creative side to flow with no dam to stop it! We will truly miss every single person there. 

Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.

1 Peter 3:8

And referring back to my last blog post, I still do feel like I wasted so many of my days here in Maryland. We first lived in Silver Spring in the middle of everything! We walked everywhere. And yet, there were some days where I stayed inside and talked to no one. I didn't want to be there. I wanted out. It didn't feel like home. It felt like a chore to be married and living where we were. I look back on this and realize, as well, that I was also learning to be a wife and live not as a single person, serving not only my needs but also Kevin's. (So, that could be another post!) Every time we moved to a different place in Maryland, my heart would grow a little harder towards this state. We couldn't afford anything we truly wanted, I wasn't moving any closer to my family, I had no close friends like in college, etc. It was tough! But, I don't think it's something unique that just I went through. I've heard from so many friends that they were lonely right out of college. They moved away from their home state, got married (or not), and had to make friends in a different way than we were used to doing. 

Moving forward is tough.  But..."There is no growth without change; there is no change without fear or loss; and there is no loss without pain." Rick Warren

I love that quote by Rick Warren. Change is gradual and slow and hurts sometimes...most of the times! But there is abundant learning we can do in the waiting and during that growth. I think that's why I feel like I wasted while living here. I didn't embrace the growth that was happening. I didn't completely surrender to God's plan for my life here. I surrendered a pinky toe here and thumbnail there, but I didn't dive in and fulfill my purpose while I was here.  It frustrates me when I think about all of the opportunities I missed to serve or be more involved with my community. But, there is still hope! I'm still living, right?! I can use this knowledge to still serve where we are going. I can truly surrender to my purpose for this life here on earth.

 "Victory comes through surrender...Surrender is not the best way to live; it is the only way to live. Nothing else works. All other approaches lead to frustration, disappointment, and self-destruction." Rick Warren

A short collection of memories in Baltimore...yes, most are of Hallen. You try having a cute kid and taking pictures of something other than them! 

Cousins!

Bests from The Foundry

Where our little love was born.

She showed us she knew how to take her diaper off....

Baby dedications with our best friends and their little boy.

Soul mates.

See...Hallen's not photogenic in every photo! These two could be brother and sister...although he was Hallen's first kiss :) 

She turned one here.

Some fun!

Taking a stroll in the neighborhood.

Comparing her at 3 days old and 1 year old!

This concrete jungle is our backyard. Comes complete with a real life train set.

Wasted

I've wanted to move back down south for about four years now. That's the entire time I've been married. That's four years of living in a game of tug of war..."I live here, but I want to live THERE!" Four years of not being content. Four years of trying not to settle into my life. Four years of pretending I don't live in Maryland. Four years wasted.

Wasted.

We even own a home here now! And yet, part of me still isn't settled here in Charm City. I've met some of the sweetest, most genuine people I think I'll ever meet this side of Heaven. When I'm with our closest friends, I can sincerely say I have the feeling of "being at home." But when I'm surrounded by my four walls or out on a walk all alone with just the baby and the dog, I feel lonely, uneasy, and anxious. I have this feeling that I need to escape this city.

The more I think about this feeling, this overwhelming desire to flee, the more I realize that moving back to the south probably won't shake this feeling. It may for a few months or even years, but this feeling of not being home is because this earth is my temporary home, and my soul is begging for Heaven...the place where there is no sorrow and pain. There are days when I just have to speak the word "contentment" over and over in my head. I truly desire to to be like Paul in the Bible...content in every situation. Some days, I do find this peace and contentment. I find it when I know I'm truly resting in the LORD and casting my anxieties upon Him. It's so NOT easy for me to do! My human nature screams to be in control and have no one help me (Just ask my husband)! That's a whole other topic though!

When I think about the days wasted being discontent, I automatically get this feeling that something needs to change. I can't spend another four years daydreaming about the greener grass. I have to find joy in the here and now. I have to live out my purpose in this life while waiting for eternity with our sweet Heavenly Father. I'm still breathing for a reason. I am where I am at this very moment for a particular reason. It's not to fulfill my plans and dreams, but to know what His desires and plans are for me and pray that those become my passion and my drive.

Bonnet:Woven November Vest: Leluna Star Jumper: The Baby Bird Boutique Boots: Sweet 'n Swag

As Kevin and I move our little family down south in a few weeks, I pray that we will find what God has in mind for us down there. I pray that we avoid secluding ourselves in a big suburban neighborhood and remember that our neighbors are our neighbors for a reason. We are being relocated to Charlotte for a reason. And no matter where we live, our priority is still to fulfill God's purpose that He had in mind for us before He even created us.