I Doubt It

The Lord replied: “Look, and be amazed! You will be astounded at what I am about to do! For I am going to do something in your own lifetime that you will have to see to believe.” Habakkuk 1:5

There are so many doubts in our lives that crowd out any sort of hope. Especially us women as believers! I do it almost every day. I doubted myself able to do something today! Whether I can actually accomplish it is yet to be seen, but before I even set out to do it, I told myself I could not possibly do this task. I even told someone else I couldn't do it. There was no way that little ol' me could do something I never thought myself able. You might have already told yourself "no" today too. Why? If it was just the complete opposite - if we were sitting in opposing chairs - you and I would never say, "Nope. Ya can't do it. You're right. You aren't good enough. There is no way you could do this with your hot mess of a life and all the skills your lacking." That would take a cruel, cruel heart, and dear, I don't think you have one of those.

We're setting ourselves up for failure with these doubts we keep speaking to ourselves. And this is before we even take one step into something that might be beautiful! It could be dirty, messy, and a little ugly too, but the fruit it will produce might be more than you could have ever dream of before. You may not see the fruit of your work until your final breath. You may not even see it on this side of eternity. But, my friend, be very prepared. Pack your bags, wipe your tears, and praise the LORD for what He will accomplish with your life. Say "yes" to whatever He is telling you. Say "yes" to that little nudge you feel. It will be the most important decision in your lifetime. Don't doubt yourself, because you may not hear that subtle whisper or feel that subtle nudge. If you doubt yourself, the most exciting ride of your lifetime could be filled with anxiety, fear, and constant wonder about what you're supposed to do in your life!

Open your eyes. Clear your mind of your usual thoughts of who you are. Look at what the LORD says about you:

• Overcomer: 1 John 4:4
• Wonderfully made: Psalm 139:13-14, Ephesians 2:10
• Loved: John 3:16
• Child of God: Galatians 3:26
• Beloved: Song of Solomon 6:3
• A Temple: 1 Corinthians 3:16
• Forgiven & Righteous: 1 John 1:9

This is just a glimpse into the person that God made you and I into when He breathed life in our lungs. You and I are these things and so much more. Be amazed at what He can do in your life! You may be going through difficult, treacherous, barely able to move moments right now, but don't let these conditions become your destiny. Your LORD in Heaven is doing something amazing because of these circumstances, because of your dispositions. So praise Him for that! You are unlike any other man or woman on this planet!

Other versions of Habakkuk 1:5 say, "...something you wouldn't believe even if someone told you about it." That's what my thoughts are like when someone tells me something crazy or far fetched. I don't believe them. I laugh in their faces. We would do the same to God if He were to reveal His plans to us. So, perhaps it's time to sincerely believe Him for who He is and who you are in Him. Leave your control at His feet.I know that's tough, ladies...I'm still working on it too. 

If...Then...?

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. 2 We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. 3 Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people;then you won’t become weary and give up. 4 After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin." Hebrews 12:1-3

Ponytails, yoga pants, and cups of coffee in hand. We were ready to hear from the LORD and triumph over this thing called life. Our souls aching and doubts lingering from years of seemingly unanswered prayer. We all knew there was only One Hope and Escape from all of this, but none of us seemed to be experiencing the freedom that His tattered body brought us years ago when He was nailed to the cross. It's difficult to understand everything about your Saviour when you've never seen Him. It's tremendously difficult to believe everything He says when you're all alone. There was so much unknown hurt and fear sitting in my friend's two-bedroom apartment this weekend when the three of us watched a conference from Austin, Texas called the IF Gathering. #IFGathering

The whole basis for this conference was "If Jesus is real, then what?" If Jesus isn't just some fairytale, crazy story, or super humanitarian, then what? It reminded me of Nicole Nordeman's song, "What if." It seemed to fit the theme of the conference.

What if you're right?
And he was just another nice guy
What if you're right?
What if it's true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it's true?

But what if you're wrong?
What if there's more?
What if there's hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He's more than enough?
What if it's love?

We heard from so many amazing speakers with wisdom beyond my years, but I'm not here to spotlight these women, because I know that's not what they would want me to write about. God's kingdom has grown so much bigger because of the work these women have done. The hungry are actually fed, the orphans are being taken in and shown love, women in sex trafficking are being shown that they are not a number, and they are worth far more than anyone on earth could ever pay their pimps. When I start to think about these absurdities and disgusting circumstances all over our world and right under our noses, I start to tremble. Why? I start to tremble, because I'm really not doing anything about it at all! At all! I'm not lifting one finger for God's kingdom. He tells us to feed the hungry. He brought me to a city where sometimes (if I'm being honest) I still kick and cry about living in, but it's a city with hundreds of hungry people holding little cardboard signs. I try to ignore every person, though, because God surely doesn't expect me to actually feed every single person in Baltimore. But why not?? If God is real, why can't this happen?! It only starts with one thing, right?

I am so furious with myself for living in my little box of hurt and not looking at the world of hurt around me. I think that I can't take care of others, because I'm having a hard time healing my wounds right now, but what if this is exactly what my soul is longing for? Is this what Jesus talks about in His Book? Is this how my soul will find rest this side of eternity? Is this the peace that Paul and other Biblical authors and modern day missionaries have found?

Baltimore isn't a city for the faint of heart. People question my husband and I on a daily basis of why we moved to Baltimore. My answer is because we could afford a house here. It's cheaper to live in Baltimore than the other counties around us. But what if that's not the reason. What if there's more than just a simple numbers game happening here? What if God strategically placed us here? Is that such a crazy thought? He placed us here in a city of hungry people, crying babies, single moms, drug dealing, crime infested streets, and very few Christian circles. I've been longing to move back to the south. Back to my safety. Back to the streets that don't have  a person with a cardboard message on every corner. Back to the streets without much traffic, low crime, more "love," and more churches.

We joke about first world problems so often. The jokes are funny. They really are. One that happened recently - my husband ate off of one plate and placed his plate along with his fork in the sink. He still had a bowl of bananas to finish, but went to the silverware drawer for another fork. I questioned him, "why are you getting another fork? You just had one." His answer, "Well...it's wet now." We laughed about it and summed that up as a first world problem. Because if that is our problem, we surely have too much. We are worried about a wet fork, and hundreds of Baltimorian residents are worried about where to sleep tonight. Is it going to dip below freezing? Am I going to get hypothermia? It's been such a cold winter that the homeless have been battling frost bite. They have had to have their fingers or toes amputated, because they didn't have anything or anywhere warm enough to stay. I think about the cold and I grab one of my 10 sweatshirts and the warmest blanket I have. Why have I not been concerned about people sleeping on the streets? It makes me sick to think about how wretched I have been. I haven't lifted a finger. I try not to even look at them while driving past them in my warm car. I have been dehumanizing these lovely people with cardboard words.

What if I began to help the hurting? What if we all began to help the hurting for Jesus' namesake? Then what would Baltimore or your city or a third world country look like? One of the women at the IF Gathering said that a burden is born from the intersection of hope and despair. What is your burden? What do you passionately care about? Who do you want to help? What makes you sick to your stomach? What causes you to stay up at night? This conference was exclusive to women, but I challenge men to think about this as well. Break free from your circle of comfort. It will be scary. I know it will be, because I'm scared just thinking about where this journey may take me and what will be asked of me to sacrifice. I'm scared of not knowing and not seeing a plan, because I like plans!

Pray. Be specific in your prayers. Become more in tune with hearing God's voice as inaudible as it may be to you. Find a group of Christians that can help you along in the race and ask hard questions; not just sit and giggle with you over coffee at brunch every week; not just study the Word with you; but actually act on what Jesus commands us to do. Go feed. Go comfort. Go clothe. Go love. Go hold. Go cry. Go listen. There are too many needs to stay seated in your oversized chair under your monogrammed blanket.

What if you took one step? Then what?

Do Everything Without Complaining

14"Do everything without complaining and arguing, 15so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people." Philippians 2:14-15

I remember road trips when I was younger in my mom's minivan. That green plymouth was such a space of comfort in my younger years. It was a safe haven. Good memories, comfortable seats, great company, and the cassette player always had some kind of kiddie Christian tunes pumping out of the speakers. The one song that I particularly remember, and often start humming the tune to is, "do everything without complaining. Do everything without arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God..."

The days that this song pops in my head are usually the days when I'm doing the most complaining. It seems like there is always something to complain about...the weather, your job, your new haircut, your boss, the food you ordered, the car that cut you off, your spouse's inability to pick up socks off the floor, or just having to run upstairs one more time because you forgot something. I complain a lot! And that's an understatement. I even remember when I started complaining about that green mini van when I got older. I thought it was old, ugly, ragged, and made me look bad when I showed up at school. It was embarrassing, because back then it was all about the cool SUV your mom dropped you off in right? When I think back to that, I think about how ridiculous and spoiled I acted. I was fortunate enough to be toted around by my mom, have transportation, and my own bench in the van (we all know how important that was...don't lie).

Complaining and arguing comes so naturally. It's just our sin nature trying to get the best of us by making us, as Christians, look and act like the world. I know that when I start mouthing off because of one little thing, my testimony becomes slightly tarnished in a way. I have one life to live, and of course I won't live it without complaining or arguing about something, but I can try my best to hold my tongue. Even on the small things...and especially the big things. I forget this at least once a day. It's not easy to not complain. Try it. Once it becomes more of a habit to bite that tongue, your life will feel a bit lighter. Your day won't be so messed up. I'm not saying blue birds will come down singing and sit on your shoulder, but some stress and tension will come off those shoulders.

This is a hard verse in the Bible. I actually don't like it, because it's so tough to live out - some days near impossible. But it is in the Bible. We cannot turn a blind eye to this, because the second part of this command is, "so that no one can criticize you." That's a very important part. If we as Christians don't live out the Word and it's commands, people will scrutinize everything you say and throw it back in your face so that they have proof that Christians are phony and all talk.

So, try it for the rest of the week. If you catch yourself mid sentence, just stop. I'll be joining the "no complaining train,"because it's commanded of us, and I haven't been doing a very good job at it.

LORD, not complaining in this life is difficult, because it brings so many trials and ups and downs every single day. Help us not to become bogged down by the details of our life, but to look at the grandeur picture and see that through these complaints we have there are often blessings within. We can't have flowers without rain and we can't have clean clothes without having to do that last load of laundry, right? Help us to remember Your blessings. Let us not tarnish our testimonies in order to further Your kingdom, Father. Amen

Not Drowning

17 "He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. 18 He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. 19 They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. 20 He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me." 2 Samuel 22:17-20

This has always been one of my favorite passages in the Bible. It has brought me through some of the toughest places in my life. I've been clinging to it since I was 15 years old, in and in the hospital for two months recovering from an eating disorder.  And after that two month stint in the hospital, He brought me to a spacious place. He rescued me from something that had robbed me of of a beautiful, "normal," playful 15-year old life. The LORD has constantly been there for me during all of my trials - no matter how big or small. 

I have to often remind myself of this passage and of His desire to do good in my life. During this trial of infertility, there are so many attacks from the devil. Daily. Hourly. I have to continuously give my burdens to God. I'm not good at this by any means. I'm learning so much through this. Patience is something I have to ask for on an hourly basis. On days like today when I was thrown a real curveball, all I can ask for is strength to walk. Strength to hold my tears back through the work day. Strength to still believe that He IS indeed working in my life. He hasn't left me. He hasn't deserted me to work on someone else's problems that are greater that mine. Strength. 

Courage to fight the battle that still lies ahead. Courage to hold my head up high and put one foot in front of the other. Courage to not fear the unknown. There are often times too many things happening for my head and heart to soak up everything that is going on around me. During those emotional times, I forget to let God in. He should be the first thing I seek out when emotions of being rejected, broken, and unworthy flood my veins and flow out my eyes. 

I need to remember that He has an amazing place planned for me. He will rescue me from those who seek to destroy me. He'll support me and guide me through these deep waters when I feel like I'm drowning and one more wave will pull me under for good. I have to keep treading. Keep holding His hand and remember that "He doesn't abandon His special possession (Psalm 94:14)."


LORD, you have consistently and constantly been with me since before I was born. You knew every step I would take and every time I would try to push you away. Allow me to be vulnerable and open up to you and those who care about me. Show me how to put on my armor of courage and strength to fight this battle, but remind me that it's okay to be mad, upset, and curl up into a ball and just cry. Don't let me feed these emotions with other idols, though. Remind me to come to you first. Cry out to you. You have rescued me in the past. You will rescue me again. You have always been my support and You are my support now. Don't let me drown in these murky waters. I give you my hurts, Father. I trust that your plans are the best for my life. I couldn't write a better script. I trust you with me. Amen.